I just want to be an asshole- Finding Balance

balance_erika_lu

We are dynamic individuals made up of different versions of ourselves- the mind/the ego comprised of our gremlins and archetypal energies, the body, and the spirit/the higher self. Each aspect of ourselves has a perspective, a desire to express itself, and needs to be satisfied. By embodying one side of ourselves, we get really good at it. But this is a world of duality, and when we’re good at one thing, we need to get good at it’s opposite. Once there, we can then refine our way to a place of balance somewhere in the middle. Balance is what we all strive to achieve because when we are balanced we are whole and authentically our true selves. In balance, all of these aspects have a seat at the table.

Why Be Balance
To be balanced is closer to being true to your authentic self. Again, you’re not just one version of yourself, you’re an entire spectrum that all needs to come together in harmony. Anything out of balance is destructive because when you don’t nurture one side of yourself, it starts acting out and “running the show.” It takes control and you lose power over your life. For example, those moments of laziness when you’ve not getting anything done is because something inside of you is screaming to be heard and it’s stopping you from being able to move. When you get in touch with these sides of yourself and give them space to be, you gain more control over them so they no longer act out and cause destruction in your life. You develop a healthy relationship with them, so when they need something, you can provide it, and they don’t have to scream at you anymore. They’re not bad and wrong, they’re you, they’ve just really upset from being ignored.

The Dark Side of Being Polite
So often in our culture we’re trained to be nice, to keep it classy, and basically to control ourselves- to abandon some of our aspects in favour of ones that are more socially acceptable. But what ends up happening is we put the needs of others before ourselves. We’ll suppress our own voice and needs to be peace keepers. We wont respect our own boundaries and instead allow ourselves to be walked all over. In doing so, we’ll remain victims and never be respected or have our boundaries respected by others. We’ll never grow into the incredible people we truly are. We’ll also enable the unhealthy behaviours of others by not speaking up and taking a stand when the situation calls for it. Nobody wins, nobody grows. Personally I find myself uncomfortable around these people because they’re not being honest. They’re prone to passive aggressive behaviours, exploding and projecting on others, and/or self destructive tendencies including addictive habits and creating illness in their body. This is because they’re suppressing their truth and it’s going to find it’s way out somehow, and without self awareness, it’s not going to come out quietly.

Why We Keep Others Out of Balance
Destructive behavioural patterns that leave us imbalanced and unhealthy are socially desirable because it keeps us all on an even playing field. Some examples of these patterns include binge watching netflix, binge drinking, eating junk food and creating drama. If I told you I just indulged in a box of cookies you would probably laugh at me because it makes you feel a little bit better about yourself. That you have these human moments too. Such a relief! People naturally connect over their weaknesses and wounds. While we admire our role models and mentors for their balanced and refined qualities, we sometimes competitively envy our comrades who are developing themselves because when we compare ourselves to them, we perceive ourselves as less valuable. It becomes threatening. But when we’re more in control of our self development and we see ourselves improving, we genuinely want the best for others as well. We’re all on the same team and we understand that our liberation is caught up in each other.

Getting Balance
When we’re learning something new, we focus our energy onto it so that it can develop. When learning to speak up after staying quiet for most of our lives, we can end up at the opposite end of the spectrum causing us to speak offensively and at a higher volume than we’re aware of. While it’s amazing that we’re developing a skill, it’s development isn’t complete until we’ve refined it further by bringing it into balance.

First, notice any hidden desires you have. This is kinda fun, and kinda sexy. Being bad is sexy isn’t it? Is there a seductive vixen in there? A version of you that wants to tell everyone off? Eat 400 lbs of cake without giving a fuck? Be lazy and irresponsible? Let yourself explore what each one of these desires really means and let yourself embody it. Give them space to be. Go somewhere where nobody knows you if you have to. These different versions of you are what make you unique, beautiful and so much fun.

What To Expect
It’s going to get messy. You’re going to make mistakes and upset people. You’re learning. You’ll need to be able to own your mistakes and apologise when the situation warrants it, and thank others for allowing the space for you to grow. And when you finally get to embody the richness of the sides of yourself that have lay dormant, celebrate, appreciate your determination and perseverance, and then refine yourself to a middle place of balance. Refine refine refine. And soon you’ll be in touch with all of these dynamic sides of yourself and you’ll really see the beauty of who you are.

How I Learned Self Respect and How it Changed My Relationships

boundaries and self respect

Growing up, I was never taught how to create personal boundaries. When I first went to therapy, I didn’t even know what they were. In an attempt to explain them, my therapist at the time said to me, “you know when you were a kid in your bedroom and your mother just barged in?” To which my response was, “yes, and?”

After a childhood without much personal space, I had zero boundaries. So I started to learn what they are and how to enforce them when they were crossed.

However, about six months ago I asked my mentor how to be one of those people that doesn’t even need to enforce their boundaries because nobody would dare to disrespect them to begin with.

She told me, “We project our boundaries from within. There is no need for those boundaries to be put in a verbal form, people simply get them… If you notice that internal boundaries are not in place, you need to ask yourself what happened to your self-respect.”

I didn’t get it. Lol Mentally I was wrapping my head around it, but I didn’t feel it as true in my body yet. But around this time is when I met Pete. And Pete was about to give me the experience of building my personal boundaries.

Pete and I met about six months ago. Looking back now, when it came to making decisions, I was a pushover and let him take control. I did this because I struggle with anxious attachment and I was afraid to lose him. Even if it didn’t feel good, I would give my power away because I have so much compassion and empathy for the other person that I lose myself. And when I tried to bring something up that was bothering me, have that boundary conversation that I had learned how to have, he would shoot me down and get defensive. Finally I decided that when it comes to relationships and how to show love and care for the other person, we have different values and principals and weren’t compatible. So I told him, for this reason, I was taking a step back.

But for the last two months, he would send me random puppy memes and a video about preventing breast cancer. So now I’m feeling like I’m being mind fucked because he seems to care, but at the same time he doesn’t. I tell him this and he responds that he does care and wants to get together on Sunday. Sunday comes and he’s only willing to give me 1.5 hours.

During the last two months apart from him, I spent time learning how to love myself by respecting what I want, need, and desire. I learned that having strong boundaries equates to having high standards. I raised and respected my standards. To compromise them, would be to lower my standards. But when we’re focused on a vision of what we’re creating for ourselves, lowering our standards or our boundaries is to compromise this vision. It says that we are not as important as these menial bread crumbs that are just trying to manipulate us into thinking they’re better than they’re worth.

So when Pete offered me 1.5 hours, and I knew in my gut that I was worth more than that, I told him no, step up. So he offered me two. And I laughed, and I said no. And saying no is all we need to do to enforce our boundaries. And he lashed out and said I was being stubborn and inflexible (because I wasn’t being submissive to him anymore and he could no longer control me). So in my opinion, to be called stubborn when it comes to going after what I want, is the best kind of complement.

I explained to him that putting quality time into me is my love language and how I know somebody cares about me. It’s what I need in all relationships. I’m not going to compromise on that because I won’t be fulfilled with anything less. Putting up that boundary sent a clear message of self respect and it told the universe exactly what I want. It also stopped enabling Pete’s poor behaviour in relationships. By letting him walk all over me, I wasn’t doing either of us any favours. By raising my standards, I focused on creating a healthy, balanced relationship and lovingly invited him to join me up here- because I wasn’t willing to step down. Until he does, I will hold that space for him. It could take him a month, 30 years, or 5 lifetimes. But I will celebrate when he does because our liberation is caught up in each other.

So now I understand what my mentor was saying. When you love and respect yourself, you know what you want, and you refuse to settle for less, then people pick up on that self respect. And if you ever come across someone that doesn’t, you just say no and they fall away. Anything that isn’t in alignment with your standards, will just fall away. There won’t be the drama of trying to convince someone of what you deserve. You just give them their breadcrumbs back, and if they really want in, they’ll step up their game. They’ll ask you what you need and then they’ll show up with ten of them. Because when we truly honour each other as the gods and goddesses that we are, we’ll do our best to show how much we love and care about each other. 

In short
Raise your standards
Know what your wants, needs, desires are
Say what they are
Say no to anything less than
~ You now have self respect
~ And people respect the hell out of that
~ Your boundaries are effortlessly created
~ You effortlessly take your power back

If you need help setting your personal boundaries, contact me I’m here for you

How To Create Genuine Relationships

It’s not as black and white as this, but it’s a way to simplify. We have casual friends and best friends. What’s the difference?

Casual friends we see once in a while for short periods of time, catch up, keep it light, update each other, maybe network a little, and celebrate each other’s successes. We could talk about deep, esoteric subjects and even share moments of deeply connected intimacy, but there’s a lack of something that keeps us from contacting the person on a more regular basis.

Best friends are people who share a deeply connected, intimate friendship all the time. They’re like family. They walk alongside you in life. They invest into you. They’re the people you call when something happens. Without making a list of expectations of these kinds of friends, we can agree that they make an effort on a regular basis to show you that they care about you and that you matter. They find out how you need to be loved- your love languages, and then do them because watching your happy reaction makes them happy.

There are several questions we can ask to investigate into why a casual friend isn’t become a best friend. They are:

Connection- Does someone have up walls that can’t be permeated?
Time- Is there time right now to invest into a close friendship?
Other priorities- Does someone already have strong relationships that takes up their time and energy?
Common interests- Do you want to do the same things together?
Common values- Do you want the same things from your life right now?
Common goals and vision for the future- Are you working towards the same things together?
Location- Do you live close enough to spend quality time together?
Spark- Is there a spark that keeps you wanting more of each other? Sometimes we just meet someone and think, “I like this one” and want to spend all of our time with them.

And maybe we’re in complete alignment, but still can’t further our bond. It comes down to vulnerability- being able to show that we love each other. Those that we’re closest to are the people we feel most loved by, the people that show us that they care, and the people we’re able to love in return. Best friends remind us that we’re loved on a regular basis, not just when it’s convenient for them. And this will look differently for everyone. The Five Love Languages is an excellent resource. It speaks to how people give and receive love.

love languages
Balance is important. How are we showing up in our relationships? Are we a giver, a taker or are we balanced? Giving includes things and ourselves- our time and energy. If we’re always taking, then the other person gets depleted and stops giving. It’s not always conscious, but they’ll start to feel unappreciated, taken for granted, drained and maybe even resentful. Are we always the one complaining and needing support, or do we reciprocate and show our appreciation for our friend?

Communication is also important. Ask your friends what they like and do this for them. Nothing extravagant- small gestures go a long way. If you’re the one feeling unloved, notice if you’re over giving and if so, hold back so your friend has the opportunity to give. Also notice how you give to yourself, show the world how you deserve to be treated. And finally, have that conversation. Try not to accuse them of anything or demand they give things to you, but tell your friend that the relationship feels unbalanced and ask them if they notice it. Maybe they’ve never learned the gift of giving. Write down a list of things that make you feel loved so if they ask you what you want you know how to respond. It helps if you look back at things people have done. Remind them that small gestures go a long way and that you care about them so much that you want more of them, not less.

We’re not trying to complete each other or get things that we can’t give to ourselves. And we’re not feeding our anxious attachments here or creating obligations for the other person to meet. We’re simply communicating our needs in relationships that help us to feel loved and fulfilled in this area of life. Expectations lead to disappointments and expectations are just unspoken needs. So let’s communicate our needs! When we’re two whole people coming together, we’re celebrating life by celebrating each other. We’re appreciating our friendships and doing things to see our pal’s reactions because it makes us feel happy and alive and we love experiencing life with them because we adore this beautiful human being! It’s about playing with life and it feels fun showing up in adorable ways for each other.

Can we have friends we don’t love and that don’t love us? No. Those are bullshit friends. They’ll waste your time and sap your energy. They’re most likely opportunists trying to get something from you. Sure, some people are on the path of learning about love, but there needs to be SOME kind of genuine caring feelings with the potential to grow into more. If they don’t care about you based on their actions, not just their words, swipe left.

How Trusting Ourselves Pulls Us Into the Natural Flow of Life

We can either be pushed or be pulled through life. When we’re pushing ourselves, or are pushed by someone else like a parent or an employer, to accomplish something, it takes motivating, force, and is challenging because we’re trying to be pushed past some internal resistance. When being pulled, it feels like we’re in the natural flow of life. It’s exciting and energizing, and may even feel like something bigger than us is guiding us along.

The experience of being pulled happens when we surrender to the power of will. 

The yin yang symbol is the balance of the sacred feminine energy of surrender, yang, with the sacred masculine energy of will, yin. In every moment, we express these energies. When we are in flow with the universe, acting intuitively from our highest good, these energies are naturally balanced and expressed in harmony. For example, when I write these posts, I surrender to what needs to be said, while my will pulls me to write. I’m also focused on the bigger picture of what I desire to create and I know I am in service, thus contributing to my biggest dreams. In a way the act is effortless because it’s a natural creative expression of myself. I may still fumble over my words as I write, but sitting here feels naturally enjoyable, not forced. There’s a sense that I am supported to act out of my highest good.

yin yang cats

What gets in the way of being in the natural flow of life is resistance. We create petty reasons- excuses, fears, dramas, of why we cannot do something, but at the very root of the resistance, is we don’t trust ourselves. If we don’t believe that what we’re doing is worth the effort, that we can handle what arises, and we will create what we desire or better, then we will drag our feet and make it incredibly difficult to accomplish even the smallest tasks. How can we work hard for a leader that we don’t believe in? We need to trust that if there is something that we want to achieve or obtain, that we can make that happen, and we want to help ourselves do this. Unwavering faith in ourselves. A belief that we can make anything happen. A belief in our mastery. That we can envision what success means to us, and know without a doubt that we will create it, and we have faith that every step we take is a successful step towards getting us there. Trusting ourselves means faith in our abilities as a creator. That everything is meaningful and serves a purpose. This is pure confidence. 

When we trust ourselves, we surrender to the power of will, and we will ourselves to surrender. 

Some of us trust ourselves easier than others. We lose our trust when we begin to doubt both ourselves and the process. We experience disappointments from our failed expectations, thus losing sight of the bigger picture. We’re incredibly self critical with no margin for error. Mistakes are how we learn, and we can trust that we’ll bounce back. It’ll always be okay because it always has been.

To take this a step further, when we acknowledge our divinity- that we are god consciousness experiencing itself in human form, then believing in ourselves and believing in something bigger than us is the same thing. And when we can have faith in the process, we can surrender to it, while our will pulls us to create. We are not victim to our surroundings, we create them. Just like how we have the DNA of our parents, we have the super powers of spirit. It’s an exciting time to be alive because we are only now waking up to this and seeing what we’re truly capable of. When we stop trying to micromanage and control our lives from a place of fear and doubt, we’re able to surrender to ourselves and become willed to create beyond anything we could ever imagine. 

Step One: Let go of everything that isn’t fulfilling you. You’re only holding onto it because you’re afraid. Surrender. Trust yourself. And hold on 😉