Navigating Trauma and Feeling Worthy & Respected in Relationships

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Everything bothers me.
Dramatic. Correction: Most things bother me.
I have an oversensitive nature that gets consistently agitated and a spirit that feels burnt out. Maybe you can relate? Aside from my closest friend relating, I’ve always felt a bit alone in this experience. When I have my own space I don’t feel it so much, but when others are around, things become accentuated.
 
A few years ago I was in therapy and a big part of my story that I was working through was “People treat me badly and the universe gives me just enough to get by.” So my work since then has been setting up healthy boundaries. People only treat you as badly as you let them, and some don’t even realize that they’re doing it, perhaps to give you the experience of speaking up for yourself. We need to take care of ourselves. As Aretha Franklin puts it, “R-E-S-P-E-C-T Find out what it means to me!”
 
When feeling disrespected by another may be unintended and therefore is subjective and open to interpretation, why am I so sensitive to feeling it? Why do I care? Why do I attach a meaning to something that makes me feel anything less than awesome? I am secure in myself; I know better than to take things personally; And to be honest, I feel sorry for someone that isn’t able to treat others respectfully. So then it must be that there is another part of me that’s running the show. An issue in a relationship is not the problem; it is a symptom of a deeper issue. We need to get to the root. 
 
When I travel into the murky waters of my subconscious, there’s a little girl that’s been convinced that she is not worthy of being treated any better. As children, we’re these radiant, confident beings, but when we consistently suffer any form of abuse or violation, we begin to question our own radiance. We start to believe the things that people say about us, the voices of our parents become our own, and we define ourselves by the way people treat us. We let others determine our worthiness and our lovability, and then we spend our entire lives playing out this story- believing all of it, and taking it on as our own. We take on illnesses, financial issues, unhealthy relationships all because of the way people led us to believe about ourselves.  
 
But she is worthy. YOU ARE WORTHY. As children, we are victims to our circumstances deemed powerless to change them. Spiritually, it can be seen as a benefit of working through the karmas of past lifetimes to gain the raw materials we’ll need to grow in this one. But when we don’t recognize the ability we have to regain our power once we reach maturity, then we carry our stories as victims with us. We unconsciously use them as excuses to explain why we’re not the radiant beings we started off as, and why we’re not worthy and deserving of everything we desire. Some people spend their entire lives doing this. 
 
To gain the self awareness to finally recognize how we’re sabotaging ourselves is one of the first signs of waking up. Waking up is the unlearning of all the programs from the past. It’s waking up from the lies. Adyashanti says, “[Enlightenment is] the complete eradication of everything we imagined to be true.” To return to the old programming, the old stories, is to go back to sleep. 
 
I know that trauma is being activated when my reaction is a bit dramatic and isn’t logically warranted. Someone could say something without any ill intention at all, but I’ll still feel sad, hurt, want to cry or I’ll completely lose my shit. I will lose control over my emotions. I may feel it in my body as well, like getting punched in the gut, or I’ll get dizzy as I disassociate. I’ll create drama from my trauma. If I am in conflict with someone when this happens, I may be projecting a whole lot of unconscious emotions onto them. In these moments, I am NOT being respectful. 
 
Respect is a two way street– yes this is a bit cheese and we’ve all heard it a million times, but really absorb it. Two way street, the cars are going both ways- respect goes both ways. Whoops, was I doing this? I was so deeply involved in my own shit that I didn’t even have the awareness to realize how my actions were affecting others. Typical child completely obsessed with herself, right? 
 
What matters most is what I do differently now that I know. Know better, do better. The truth is we’re all on the same side. We all want the same things- love, peace, happiness. There is no need for us to go to war with each other because the irony is that in war there are no winners. You can’t fight someone for love or peace. If someone is intentionally out to get you, leave immediately. But when we love each other and we’re having a difference of opinion, it’s because we don’t understand where the other person is coming from. There can be love without respect because respect is subjective. We can only do our best to nurture each other’s boundaries, and then we need to keep the conversation open. 
 
Especially in an intimate relationship, your responsibility is to study your partner. Pay attention to what they like, love, want more of and want less of. When we first fall in love, we see the bright light of a soul that we can’t help but indulge ourselves into. And then we get to know them a little better and we see all of the areas of their ego that are still in development. We may become critical or worse use them as reasons not to be with the person. But how vicious to condemn a masterpiece before it’s completed. Could you imagine how La Pietà looked like before Michelangelo completed it? A big ‘ol hunk of rock that’s what. 
 
Remember the soul that you are in love with and treat each other like your church. Worship them. Study to understand them and then play the role that they need you to be. Forgive their blindspots and be patient. If this person is still the one you want to journey through this life with, not because of attachment but because you genuinely enrich each other’s lives, commitment is what will get you through the trauma drama and periods of healing and growing into healthier ways of being.
 
“Commitment is like a womb in which a new life can grow. It is hermetically sealed so that nothing extraneous can enter into the process. No projections can be made upon it, no introduced doubt or criticism can reach it during its critical formative stages. But it’s also sealed for our own good, so that we don’t have an easy out. This is what’s meant by ‘holding the tension.’ So in times of exhaustion and suffering, fear and frustration, we remain committed long enough for the process to complete itself…
 
So when we place limitations and boundaries around something we care about, it isn’t meant to be a prison which keeps us stuck or stagnant, but rather to create a paradoxical freedom which allows us, through restraint, to fully explore the relationship, the craft, or the experience in all its subtle dimensions. Commitment in these terms is not an obligation but a deep devotion to that which you love. In your devotion to it, the very thing you are committed to is set free.” (Toko-pa: Commitment: The of Creativity) 
 
When we are free to be ourselves and we get triggered by an unintended moment of disrespect, we don’t want to throw that disrespect back at our partners, but we also can’t suppress or dismiss our emotions. So what do we do? 
 
We need to emotionally take care of ourselves. We need to tend to the upset child. We need to give her what she needs. You can do this alone with yourself, or with your partner. 
 
When your partner does this with you, they need to be able to hold space for you and be able to shelve any ego reactions that come up for them. It’s not their time. They’ll get their turn once you feel heard, understood, and nourished. This becomes much more complicated when they’re also going into their own trauma. A therapist or a healer is helpful for navigating this. Or, you can do it for yourself and share your experience and insights with your partner once you’re done.
 
How do you emotionally care for yourself when you’re hurt by something someone’s done? Ask your inner child, “what do you need to feel worthy?” Listen to what she responds with. It will be something that an innocent child would say like, “I need a hug.” Give yourself a hug! Or let your partner hug you! Maybe you’ll feel into what she’s craving like a sense of love, belonging, being wanted. Talk to her like you would talk to any child. Use your voice to give it power. 
 
Say out loud three times, “you are worthy.” 
 
Keep talking and say everything that she needs to hear. You’ll feel it when something lands; Something inside of you will shift and the release will cause you to emote- cry, scream, or laugh. 
 
This was my list when I did it, but make your own. You may want to experiment with using “you” and using “I” to see which resonates best.
 
You are lovable.
You are deserving.
You are worthy of respect.
You are to be honoured.
You are to be worshipped.
You are Divine.
You are needed.
You belong here.
You are wanted here.
Mommy loves you. (This made me weep!)
Daddy loves you.
The whole planet loves you.
The entire universe loves you.
You are beautiful.
You’re special.
You’re unique.
You’re so cute.
I am so thankful to have you here.
How others treat you has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. Don’t take anything personally.
 
 
When you’re done you’ll know. You’ll feel a sense of peace wash over you; Your body will take a nice, deep breath and relax; And you’ll feel happier, calm, back to your regular self. You’ve filled up your cup and now you need to maintain this state by continually filling it up. You are responsible for your self care, your partner isn’t going to do it for you. Your knight isn’t coming. He got stuck at the border trying to smuggle over some shrooms for you both. As Mama Gena puts it, keep yourself “Turned on.” What your partner does is a bonus on top of all that you already do for you. Stop running on empty. Don’t wait for the car to break down. Nurture yourself so you can give from your overspill. Spa. Nails. Oranges. Whatever you need to feel spoiled. Ask your Inner Child what she wants as well- ice cream perhaps? Lactose intolerant? Get cashew ice cream- find a compromise. You absolutely deserve it ♥.  
 
When you’re taken care of/turned on/in your flow/radiating, those silly little things people do tend to fall away. They don’t stick. You’re flying high and whatever sticks and stones they throw can’t even reach you. From this state, honouring and respecting both yourself and your partner effortlessly becomes a part of your nature; You become partners in every sense of the word- joining forces on the same team; And You’re acting from your heart in a state of unconditional love. 

The Greatest Medicine Ever

On New Years Eve, excited for the new year, I felt inspired to paint my apartment! So I painted for over 15 hours and when I woke up the next day, I couldn’t move lol I especially hurt my hand- I could barely move it and was in so much pain I had to take pain killers- which I never do.

I sat with my hand and tuned into the pain. I gave her my full attention and listened. I had flashbacks to being in the hospital as a kid, having the IV in my wrist, morphine and medicine pumping into me. I could feel the intense itch of the morphine. The most pain was where I still have scars from needles and testing. The visions and sensations were as though it was happening now. I cried, processed, and held the space for this to be released. The memories of family coming to see me, crying, standing by my hospital bed, holding my hand while feeling upset. I released all of their pain that I’ve been holding onto for them. Then I had to reconnect with my hand, mend my relationship with it, hold it to my heart and do hoponopono with it.

This morning when I woke up, the pain was less, and now, evening, it’s practically gone. In one day it went from unbelievable pain unable to move, to sitting here- painless- typing this. Really incredible. So I want to share how I did it. It’s an incredibly intuitive process of giving your body, mind and spirit your full attention. It can be used for any issue- physical, emotional, mental, spiritual- anything that is bothering you. I believe without confirmation that this work is shamanic. It brings you deep into the darkness of the underworld to release and gain the wisdom you need for the next stage.

 

Attention and Holding Space for Yourself

Throughout the entire process you will be in a deep trance of giving your body, mind and spirit your full attention. Listen deeply as though you’re listening to a friend speak. Curiously, with love and care, listen to your body, your thoughts. Keeping your eyes closed helps you to connect.

When you hold the space for yourself, you are watching yourself, acutely paying attention.

Holding space is bringing awareness to something, and giving your body/mind/soul space and focus to transmute the energy. The alchemist.

There are two of you- your higher self is holding the space for your human self, like a mother caring for a child. It feels like there’s a spirit, energy, that is hovering above and around you. The human version of you is releasing, surrendering, doing the work, crying, screaming, moving- all while being guided by your higher self.

 

Movement and Intuition

Movement helps to distract your mind and keep your focus. It also helps to get the energy flowing in your body, unblocking anywhere it may be currently stuck. I use a series of simple kundalini movements that I’ve memorized that activate my spine to connect me with my higher self. The kundalini movements are also great with directing me on how to properly breathe deeply throughout the process. Use something you don’t have to think about that’s just running in the background.

Your intuition of when to move, how does your body need to move, when to speak, when to write, what needs to be said- is everything. Allow yourself to be guided, surrender to this fully. Honour yourself, your inner guidance, your wisdom.

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First, notice how your body wants to express itself:

    Automatic writing: write without thinking

    Automatic speaking: Just speak, what needs to be said through you.

    Intuitive movement: Need to punch the shit out of the bed? Care for yourself throughout the process- the wall will break your hand.

 

Second, know that you’re not alone. Part of you is here in this body, having this very humane experience, and the other part of you is divinity- your higher self is pure love hovering above you, connected with you, guiding you.

    Feel the connection grow with your higher self.

   Connect with the love consciousness.

   Surrender yourself to your higher self.

   Allow your higher self to support you, nurture you, love you, take care of you.

   Surrender to that. Let go.

    Let the emotions, feelings grow.

Your higher Self is going to hold the space and coach your human self. Both versions of you will express itself. There will be times where your human self is upset, perhaps questioning things and your higher self is responding. It’s not about going into victim mode and focusing on the crap- like in therapy, it’s about focusing on the highest vibration of love and elevating yourself to this to release everything not in alignment with it. When you are connected, these are no longer solely your movements, your thoughts-  now you’re in this dance with your higher self.

 

Third, speak, move, and emote intuitively. Be honest. Even if it’s ugly. It might sound like therapy where your higher self is asking questions and challenging your human self. Be sure to stay in your heart and body, don’t go into your mind. The questions that come from your higher self don’t come from your thoughts- you’re not thinking, everything is on instinct. Be honest with everything you are feeling- everything is true and right.

Keep with the motions. Move intuitively. Hold certain poses if your body wishes. Contort yourself in unnatural positions if desired. The energy is moving.

When emotions come up, let them out, cry, scream, make unnatural noises- your throat is clearing, get it out. Don’t think about how weird it is, nobody is watching or listening. My landlord hasn’t complained yet.


Remember to continue to hold the space for yourself.

 

Fourth, pay attention to subtle changing energies. As the process deepens, you may feel activation at your crown chakra. A presence, connection with your higher self.

Notice when the energy shifts to drama/trauma, victim, poor me. You can be in this, perhaps reliving a past memory, while your higher self is holding the space for you to transmute this. You will feel both the trauma and the power of the transmutation simultaneously. The difference between drama and processing is you feel strong. Even though crying, you are in your strength, sitting straight up or in a position you intuitively came into. Remember how powerful you are, breathe and release what needs to come out while holding yourself in the highest esteem.

 

Fifth, ask for help. If and when the energy gets super intense, ask your higher self, guides, angels to help you clear. They’re literally sitting there waiting, but can’t act until you ask. They want you to ask, and when you do, the energy shifts and releases instantly. It’s incredible. You’ll think, whoa, why was I crying.

In these intense moments, ground yourself with deep breaths and by feeling the floor with your hands.

 

Remember to continue to move intuitively. Try not to do too much, keep the trance, keep your eyes closed. But listen to loud intuitive calls like to drink water, hug a bolster. Honour yourself. You may be called to do something for a release to happen. I had to hug a bolster once to feel supported, and that support helped me to process. But generally, stay in the same area. Moving around too much might be tactical and dramatic. Be honest with your antics.

 

When you’re nearing the end, you will feel a smile creep up on your lips. A sense of lightness, calmness, less to no intensity, relief, and peace.  You feel like you let something go. You’ve had realizations, epiphanies, a change in perspective. You’re not crying anymore, nor do you feel the need. You’re kinda smiling a little.

 

Sixth, lay down on the mat and rest for a moment. You may feel energized. Definitely hungry. Thank yourself. Thank your guides. Eat. Take a nap.

 

The Next Day You will be exhausted the next day. Hungry. Take care of yourself and be grateful for the incredible work you’ve done. Congratulations :)

 

This is the incredible process I use to intuitively heal myself- mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually. I’ve successfully used it many times for a myriad of reasons. When you do it, listen to your intuition and alter it appropriately. You know what’s best for you. If you need extra guidance, send me a message- I’d love to help to guide you through it.