Making Decisions in a World of Non-Attachment

collaboration image

Communally we’re creating a culture of non-attachment: be in the moment, be present, yolo, no expectations. While this is beautiful and definitely in the right direction, the shadow side of this is to live carelessly, dismissively and selfishly- without any regard for the people and world around us. For example, consumerism, the amount of litter and pollution we create, even ghosting! The is because when we have no future expectations, we don’t know what to base our decisions on. We feel lost. And with people turning away from conservative religious doctrine, we don’t have ethics and morals to frame our choices. These morals are what give us a sense of security and confidence in ourselves and how we conduct our lives.

Therefore, it’s important that each person decides what their own personal ethics are that they choose to live by. What is right and wrong for them, what is for their highest good. When we’re clear on this, decision making becomes straightforward! And to go against our personal ethics will create dramas, make us miserable, throws us off course, out of flow and out of alignment.

To create your own personal ethics, get clear on your principals and values.

I personally follow the principals of the four agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz:

  1. Always do your best
  2. Never take anything personally
  3. Be impeccable with your word
  4. Don’t make assumptions

four agreements chart

My values will always be changing depending on what’s most important to me at a particular juncture in my life. Currently, my values in this order are:

  1. Mastery- coming home to myself, security, enlightenment, fulfillment, being the best version of myself to create a new world,
  2. Health- Balance the body to connect to the soul to harness the mind
  3. Love- pure, unconditional, bliss, animals, speaking and acting from my heart
  4. Accomplishment/ Standards- integrity, principals & values, maturity, fulfilling business and life goals, success, boundaries, class,
  5. Security- Feeling secure and at home with myself in my body, trusting myself, healthy relationship with myself, relaxed
  6. Intimacy- fun & humour, connection, communication, friendship, empathy, compassion, generosity, kindness,
  7. Transformation- learning and growing,
  8. Freedom- non-attachment, letting go, being in flow, not holding back, adventure, exploring the world
  9. Passion/Power- Feeling fully alive, inspiring others, creative self expression, inner power to create
  10. Balance- balanced emotions, peaceful state of mind,
  11. Comfort- luxury

Now, when faced with a decision, whether big or small, I can use my principals and values as guide posts. As Coby K teaches, how we do one thing is how we do everything. If we want to change our life and routines into something more inspiring, we need to realign ourselves and create new habits based on our ethics. Then, we need to uphold our Integrity to these standards. Having this structure allows us to develop a sense of security and true confidence in ourselves and how we conduct our lives. And just imagine the kind of collaborative, blissful world we would create if everyone was doing this!

xoxo
Erika

How I Learned Self Respect and How it Changed My Relationships

boundaries and self respect

Growing up, I was never taught how to create personal boundaries. When I first went to therapy, I didn’t even know what they were. In an attempt to explain them, my therapist at the time said to me, “you know when you were a kid in your bedroom and your mother just barged in?” To which my response was, “yes, and?”

After a childhood without much personal space, I had zero boundaries. So I started to learn what they are and how to enforce them when they were crossed.

However, about six months ago I asked my mentor how to be one of those people that doesn’t even need to enforce their boundaries because nobody would dare to disrespect them to begin with.

She told me, “We project our boundaries from within. There is no need for those boundaries to be put in a verbal form, people simply get them… If you notice that internal boundaries are not in place, you need to ask yourself what happened to your self-respect.”

I didn’t get it. Lol Mentally I was wrapping my head around it, but I didn’t feel it as true in my body yet. But around this time is when I met Pete. And Pete was about to give me the experience of building my personal boundaries.

Pete and I met about six months ago. Looking back now, when it came to making decisions, I was a pushover and let him take control. I did this because I struggle with anxious attachment and I was afraid to lose him. Even if it didn’t feel good, I would give my power away because I have so much compassion and empathy for the other person that I lose myself. And when I tried to bring something up that was bothering me, have that boundary conversation that I had learned how to have, he would shoot me down and get defensive. Finally I decided that when it comes to relationships and how to show love and care for the other person, we have different values and principals and weren’t compatible. So I told him, for this reason, I was taking a step back.

But for the last two months, he would send me random puppy memes and a video about preventing breast cancer. So now I’m feeling like I’m being mind fucked because he seems to care, but at the same time he doesn’t. I tell him this and he responds that he does care and wants to get together on Sunday. Sunday comes and he’s only willing to give me 1.5 hours.

During the last two months apart from him, I spent time learning how to love myself by respecting what I want, need, and desire. I learned that having strong boundaries equates to having high standards. I raised and respected my standards. To compromise them, would be to lower my standards. But when we’re focused on a vision of what we’re creating for ourselves, lowering our standards or our boundaries is to compromise this vision. It says that we are not as important as these menial bread crumbs that are just trying to manipulate us into thinking they’re better than they’re worth.

So when Pete offered me 1.5 hours, and I knew in my gut that I was worth more than that, I told him no, step up. So he offered me two. And I laughed, and I said no. And saying no is all we need to do to enforce our boundaries. And he lashed out and said I was being stubborn and inflexible (because I wasn’t being submissive to him anymore and he could no longer control me). So in my opinion, to be called stubborn when it comes to going after what I want, is the best kind of complement.

I explained to him that putting quality time into me is my love language and how I know somebody cares about me. It’s what I need in all relationships. I’m not going to compromise on that because I won’t be fulfilled with anything less. Putting up that boundary sent a clear message of self respect and it told the universe exactly what I want. It also stopped enabling Pete’s poor behaviour in relationships. By letting him walk all over me, I wasn’t doing either of us any favours. By raising my standards, I focused on creating a healthy, balanced relationship and lovingly invited him to join me up here- because I wasn’t willing to step down. Until he does, I will hold that space for him. It could take him a month, 30 years, or 5 lifetimes. But I will celebrate when he does because our liberation is caught up in each other.

So now I understand what my mentor was saying. When you love and respect yourself, you know what you want, and you refuse to settle for less, then people pick up on that self respect. And if you ever come across someone that doesn’t, you just say no and they fall away. Anything that isn’t in alignment with your standards, will just fall away. There won’t be the drama of trying to convince someone of what you deserve. You just give them their breadcrumbs back, and if they really want in, they’ll step up their game. They’ll ask you what you need and then they’ll show up with ten of them. Because when we truly honour each other as the gods and goddesses that we are, we’ll do our best to show how much we love and care about each other. 

In short
Raise your standards
Know what your wants, needs, desires are
Say what they are
Say no to anything less than
~ You now have self respect
~ And people respect the hell out of that
~ Your boundaries are effortlessly created
~ You effortlessly take your power back

If you need help setting your personal boundaries, contact me I’m here for you