Navigating Trauma and Feeling Worthy & Respected in Relationships

navigating-trauma-small2
Everything bothers me.
Dramatic. Correction: Most things bother me.
I have an oversensitive nature that gets consistently agitated and a spirit that feels burnt out. Maybe you can relate? Aside from my closest friend relating, I’ve always felt a bit alone in this experience. When I have my own space I don’t feel it so much, but when others are around, things become accentuated.
 
A few years ago I was in therapy and a big part of my story that I was working through was “People treat me badly and the universe gives me just enough to get by.” So my work since then has been setting up healthy boundaries. People only treat you as badly as you let them, and some don’t even realize that they’re doing it, perhaps to give you the experience of speaking up for yourself. We need to take care of ourselves. As Aretha Franklin puts it, “R-E-S-P-E-C-T Find out what it means to me!”
 
When feeling disrespected by another may be unintended and therefore is subjective and open to interpretation, why am I so sensitive to feeling it? Why do I care? Why do I attach a meaning to something that makes me feel anything less than awesome? I am secure in myself; I know better than to take things personally; And to be honest, I feel sorry for someone that isn’t able to treat others respectfully. So then it must be that there is another part of me that’s running the show. An issue in a relationship is not the problem; it is a symptom of a deeper issue. We need to get to the root. 
 
When I travel into the murky waters of my subconscious, there’s a little girl that’s been convinced that she is not worthy of being treated any better. As children, we’re these radiant, confident beings, but when we consistently suffer any form of abuse or violation, we begin to question our own radiance. We start to believe the things that people say about us, the voices of our parents become our own, and we define ourselves by the way people treat us. We let others determine our worthiness and our lovability, and then we spend our entire lives playing out this story- believing all of it, and taking it on as our own. We take on illnesses, financial issues, unhealthy relationships all because of the way people led us to believe about ourselves.  
 
But she is worthy. YOU ARE WORTHY. As children, we are victims to our circumstances deemed powerless to change them. Spiritually, it can be seen as a benefit of working through the karmas of past lifetimes to gain the raw materials we’ll need to grow in this one. But when we don’t recognize the ability we have to regain our power once we reach maturity, then we carry our stories as victims with us. We unconsciously use them as excuses to explain why we’re not the radiant beings we started off as, and why we’re not worthy and deserving of everything we desire. Some people spend their entire lives doing this. 
 
To gain the self awareness to finally recognize how we’re sabotaging ourselves is one of the first signs of waking up. Waking up is the unlearning of all the programs from the past. It’s waking up from the lies. Adyashanti says, “[Enlightenment is] the complete eradication of everything we imagined to be true.” To return to the old programming, the old stories, is to go back to sleep. 
 
I know that trauma is being activated when my reaction is a bit dramatic and isn’t logically warranted. Someone could say something without any ill intention at all, but I’ll still feel sad, hurt, want to cry or I’ll completely lose my shit. I will lose control over my emotions. I may feel it in my body as well, like getting punched in the gut, or I’ll get dizzy as I disassociate. I’ll create drama from my trauma. If I am in conflict with someone when this happens, I may be projecting a whole lot of unconscious emotions onto them. In these moments, I am NOT being respectful. 
 
Respect is a two way street– yes this is a bit cheese and we’ve all heard it a million times, but really absorb it. Two way street, the cars are going both ways- respect goes both ways. Whoops, was I doing this? I was so deeply involved in my own shit that I didn’t even have the awareness to realize how my actions were affecting others. Typical child completely obsessed with herself, right? 
 
What matters most is what I do differently now that I know. Know better, do better. The truth is we’re all on the same side. We all want the same things- love, peace, happiness. There is no need for us to go to war with each other because the irony is that in war there are no winners. You can’t fight someone for love or peace. If someone is intentionally out to get you, leave immediately. But when we love each other and we’re having a difference of opinion, it’s because we don’t understand where the other person is coming from. There can be love without respect because respect is subjective. We can only do our best to nurture each other’s boundaries, and then we need to keep the conversation open. 
 
Especially in an intimate relationship, your responsibility is to study your partner. Pay attention to what they like, love, want more of and want less of. When we first fall in love, we see the bright light of a soul that we can’t help but indulge ourselves into. And then we get to know them a little better and we see all of the areas of their ego that are still in development. We may become critical or worse use them as reasons not to be with the person. But how vicious to condemn a masterpiece before it’s completed. Could you imagine how La Pietà looked like before Michelangelo completed it? A big ‘ol hunk of rock that’s what. 
 
Remember the soul that you are in love with and treat each other like your church. Worship them. Study to understand them and then play the role that they need you to be. Forgive their blindspots and be patient. If this person is still the one you want to journey through this life with, not because of attachment but because you genuinely enrich each other’s lives, commitment is what will get you through the trauma drama and periods of healing and growing into healthier ways of being.
 
“Commitment is like a womb in which a new life can grow. It is hermetically sealed so that nothing extraneous can enter into the process. No projections can be made upon it, no introduced doubt or criticism can reach it during its critical formative stages. But it’s also sealed for our own good, so that we don’t have an easy out. This is what’s meant by ‘holding the tension.’ So in times of exhaustion and suffering, fear and frustration, we remain committed long enough for the process to complete itself…
 
So when we place limitations and boundaries around something we care about, it isn’t meant to be a prison which keeps us stuck or stagnant, but rather to create a paradoxical freedom which allows us, through restraint, to fully explore the relationship, the craft, or the experience in all its subtle dimensions. Commitment in these terms is not an obligation but a deep devotion to that which you love. In your devotion to it, the very thing you are committed to is set free.” (Toko-pa: Commitment: The of Creativity) 
 
When we are free to be ourselves and we get triggered by an unintended moment of disrespect, we don’t want to throw that disrespect back at our partners, but we also can’t suppress or dismiss our emotions. So what do we do? 
 
We need to emotionally take care of ourselves. We need to tend to the upset child. We need to give her what she needs. You can do this alone with yourself, or with your partner. 
 
When your partner does this with you, they need to be able to hold space for you and be able to shelve any ego reactions that come up for them. It’s not their time. They’ll get their turn once you feel heard, understood, and nourished. This becomes much more complicated when they’re also going into their own trauma. A therapist or a healer is helpful for navigating this. Or, you can do it for yourself and share your experience and insights with your partner once you’re done.
 
How do you emotionally care for yourself when you’re hurt by something someone’s done? Ask your inner child, “what do you need to feel worthy?” Listen to what she responds with. It will be something that an innocent child would say like, “I need a hug.” Give yourself a hug! Or let your partner hug you! Maybe you’ll feel into what she’s craving like a sense of love, belonging, being wanted. Talk to her like you would talk to any child. Use your voice to give it power. 
 
Say out loud three times, “you are worthy.” 
 
Keep talking and say everything that she needs to hear. You’ll feel it when something lands; Something inside of you will shift and the release will cause you to emote- cry, scream, or laugh. 
 
This was my list when I did it, but make your own. You may want to experiment with using “you” and using “I” to see which resonates best.
 
You are lovable.
You are deserving.
You are worthy of respect.
You are to be honoured.
You are to be worshipped.
You are Divine.
You are needed.
You belong here.
You are wanted here.
Mommy loves you. (This made me weep!)
Daddy loves you.
The whole planet loves you.
The entire universe loves you.
You are beautiful.
You’re special.
You’re unique.
You’re so cute.
I am so thankful to have you here.
How others treat you has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. Don’t take anything personally.
 
 
When you’re done you’ll know. You’ll feel a sense of peace wash over you; Your body will take a nice, deep breath and relax; And you’ll feel happier, calm, back to your regular self. You’ve filled up your cup and now you need to maintain this state by continually filling it up. You are responsible for your self care, your partner isn’t going to do it for you. Your knight isn’t coming. He got stuck at the border trying to smuggle over some shrooms for you both. As Mama Gena puts it, keep yourself “Turned on.” What your partner does is a bonus on top of all that you already do for you. Stop running on empty. Don’t wait for the car to break down. Nurture yourself so you can give from your overspill. Spa. Nails. Oranges. Whatever you need to feel spoiled. Ask your Inner Child what she wants as well- ice cream perhaps? Lactose intolerant? Get cashew ice cream- find a compromise. You absolutely deserve it ♥.  
 
When you’re taken care of/turned on/in your flow/radiating, those silly little things people do tend to fall away. They don’t stick. You’re flying high and whatever sticks and stones they throw can’t even reach you. From this state, honouring and respecting both yourself and your partner effortlessly becomes a part of your nature; You become partners in every sense of the word- joining forces on the same team; And You’re acting from your heart in a state of unconditional love. 

Falling in Love With Life Using Iboga & The Bwiti Teachings

falling-in-love-with-life

 

Everything is different.

The first Iboga ceremony I experienced back in August released me from the incessant pain of fibromyalgia and showed me where it was coming from. Despite believing that I had let go of the past, I was still holding on. I’d spent at least two years sitting around waiting for my old life to magically come back. It wasn’t logical, but I couldn’t let go. There was an attachment that was keeping me stuck and trapped, and my body was reflecting that. The fibro that had developed in those two years made me feel like a prisoner in my own body. It’s hard to even write that and believe that it was me when I’ve always been that person who absolutely LOVES her body! But I was holding onto this old version of myself that I wasn’t anymore, and it kept me from moving forward and growing into the version of myself that has an even closer relationship with her true self.

Coming Home By Leaving Home
Once Iboga cleared my attachments, I was standing in my apartment very aware that it was just an apartment, a place of residence. The things around me were just that- things; and they didn’t define me. My home is my body, wherever I go I will always be home and I can’t be defined by anything because I am always changing, learning and doing better when I know better. Yes I have strong morals and principals that I pride myself on but again I ‘have’ them, I am not them. Because sometimes, I fuck up, but this doesn’t change who I am or my value. To define myself creates this prison or matrix that I now have to live by- and you can imagine my aversion to this after just breaking free. It’s like fitting this incredibly huge organically unique soul full of potential and possibility into a square hole. It’s restrictive and controlling. It’s as though once you define yourself and attain everything you want, you let it all go and shed it away because you realize it’s not you at all. We’re all so immeasurably enormously complex that to define is a disservice because it limits us and takes away from all that we are and can be. But we define because it lets us feel more in control, and to be out of control feels dangerous when we don’t have a strong sense of self. Without security, the moment the tide turns, we get knocked over. So we create these prisons to keep ourselves safe. But it’s an illusion and when we finally want more from life than the four walls we put ourselves in, then we need to tear them down and be sure that we’re strong enough within ourselves to venture out into world. Archetypically, it’s the classic hero/heroin’s journey of leaving “home” to come home to ourselves.

Falling In Love with Myself
I fell in love with myself the moment I realized I was the one that’s been there from the very beginning, and every moment in between. I’m the one that always wants the best for me, that helps me to be better, the only one that I can trust without question, and the only one that will be there with me in the very end. Plus I am very agreeable and laugh at all my own jokes. If there’s anyone to attach to it’s myself. I’m the only one that will never leave and that gives me a sense of peace and certainty that I can count on. People drive me crazy because I can never understand their logic lol But with me it’s just so easy. I do my best to act the way I wish others did and that makes me genuinely enjoy my own company.

Life is A Gift To Do Whatever We Want With
Once Iboga opened my eyes to what I was doing, I knew it was time to change. Life is a gift and to enjoy it is the ultimate form of gratitude. I’d been unintentionally taking it for granted, wishing it away because I felt victim to it, powerless to do anything about it and no idea how to get back up after being knocked over so many times. I was done and there was no fight left in me. With the attachments gone, I was finally able to move. I took my power back. I could make choices now that were best for me, that were in alignment with my values and energized what I wanted to create for myself. More than ever before I am embodying my creator energy. I can literally have anything I want, all I need to do is make choices and take actions that get me there.

So I thought to myself, what do I want? What’s an awesome way to spend my life? And I realized I work remotely and don’t need to be in Toronto anymore and what I’d really love is to explore the world and live and work as a digital nomad. And then I met someone who had a place for me to stay where I can save a nice cushion to get me there and also have the space I need to finally transition into the next version of myself. And so here I am, living a strange new life in this strange new town.

Being in Flow Makes Life Eaaasssyyy
And it was all very easy. Falling in love with myself made me want to do what’s best for me. Making the decision to change for my highest good brought up opportunities and all I had to do was act.  We make it so difficult for ourselves when we question, doubt, worry and ‘think’ that we need to figure things out.We don’t have to figure anything out.There’s no way that we can ever come up with a better solution than the universe can. When we know what we want and energize it, the universe conspires to make it happen. This is what it means to be in flow. We surrender to the currents of life and let them take us along. We trust the flow, trust the process, trust ourselves and our ability to surf these waves (act on opportunities), and trust the universe. Trusting is what makes it easy. It’s what lets us relax, let go of the outcome. It’s what gives us patience.

Trusting the Flow of Others
Last week I was assisting at the Iboga Retreat and as I observed people I realized that the awakening process we go through and the problems we all have are all the exactly the same. Having gone through and learned so much on my own journey, I’ll so clearly see the struggle that someone is in, the matrix they’ve created for themselves that they are now trapped in, and I’ll so badly want to tell them exactly what they need to do to get out. But to learn and to grow is about being able to do it for yourself and the best help that I can offer is to lead by example. There is no saving anybody. I’m learning to trust the flow of others just as much as I trust my own, and to have patience that they’ll get it when they’re ready- just like I did. I’m practicing letting go of this need to control and to judge. I see now how often I would let people go because they weren’t at the level that I knew they were capable of being at. And while letting someone go that’s hurting you and violating your boundaries is healthy, judging them for their choices is pretty damn hurtful, even if it was with the best intentions. I take responsibility for that and going forward I’m choosing to do better. I’m focusing on myself now. What do I need to level up?

Prioritizing Myself- Go Big or Go Home
Letting go of taking care of everyone else is liberating. All I need to do is take care of and energize myself and I do believe that doing what’s best for ourselves is what’s best for others as well, even if that’s not always obvious. So often we focus on everyone else because we don’t want to look at ourselves. But when I do take a good hard look, there are areas that need some serious improvement and love. And how beautiful to finally give myself the attention that I’ve been craving for years. There are so many things that I want to do and I’m excited to say that I alas have the energy and focus I’ve been needing. I’ve actually always had it, I was just giving it away by fixating on everyone else. Now I’m fixating on myself, I’m taking my life back, making it mine, and falling in love with it. It feels rich and lush with possibility. I just feel like this is my LIFE, my most prized possession, and it goes by so quick and we don’t get it back- not this one at least, so I really want to make the most out of it. I want to make it as good as possible so then when I meet up with my alien buddies on the other side I’ll have the best stories to tell because I’ll have had the BEST time! I want to feel a sense of peace when I take my last breath that I came, I saw, and I LIVED!

Thank you, thank you, thank you,

Erika

To participate in an Iboga ceremony, contact Michael at

To learn more about Iboga:

How I Learned Self Respect and How it Changed My Relationships

boundaries and self respect

Growing up, I was never taught how to create personal boundaries. When I first went to therapy, I didn’t even know what they were. In an attempt to explain them, my therapist at the time said to me, “you know when you were a kid in your bedroom and your mother just barged in?” To which my response was, “yes, and?”

After a childhood without much personal space, I had zero boundaries. So I started to learn what they are and how to enforce them when they were crossed.

However, about six months ago I asked my mentor how to be one of those people that doesn’t even need to enforce their boundaries because nobody would dare to disrespect them to begin with.

She told me, “We project our boundaries from within. There is no need for those boundaries to be put in a verbal form, people simply get them… If you notice that internal boundaries are not in place, you need to ask yourself what happened to your self-respect.”

I didn’t get it. Lol Mentally I was wrapping my head around it, but I didn’t feel it as true in my body yet. But around this time is when I met Pete. And Pete was about to give me the experience of building my personal boundaries.

Pete and I met about six months ago. Looking back now, when it came to making decisions, I was a pushover and let him take control. I did this because I struggle with anxious attachment and I was afraid to lose him. Even if it didn’t feel good, I would give my power away because I have so much compassion and empathy for the other person that I lose myself. And when I tried to bring something up that was bothering me, have that boundary conversation that I had learned how to have, he would shoot me down and get defensive. Finally I decided that when it comes to relationships and how to show love and care for the other person, we have different values and principals and weren’t compatible. So I told him, for this reason, I was taking a step back.

But for the last two months, he would send me random puppy memes and a video about preventing breast cancer. So now I’m feeling like I’m being mind fucked because he seems to care, but at the same time he doesn’t. I tell him this and he responds that he does care and wants to get together on Sunday. Sunday comes and he’s only willing to give me 1.5 hours.

During the last two months apart from him, I spent time learning how to love myself by respecting what I want, need, and desire. I learned that having strong boundaries equates to having high standards. I raised and respected my standards. To compromise them, would be to lower my standards. But when we’re focused on a vision of what we’re creating for ourselves, lowering our standards or our boundaries is to compromise this vision. It says that we are not as important as these menial bread crumbs that are just trying to manipulate us into thinking they’re better than they’re worth.

So when Pete offered me 1.5 hours, and I knew in my gut that I was worth more than that, I told him no, step up. So he offered me two. And I laughed, and I said no. And saying no is all we need to do to enforce our boundaries. And he lashed out and said I was being stubborn and inflexible (because I wasn’t being submissive to him anymore and he could no longer control me). So in my opinion, to be called stubborn when it comes to going after what I want, is the best kind of complement.

I explained to him that putting quality time into me is my love language and how I know somebody cares about me. It’s what I need in all relationships. I’m not going to compromise on that because I won’t be fulfilled with anything less. Putting up that boundary sent a clear message of self respect and it told the universe exactly what I want. It also stopped enabling Pete’s poor behaviour in relationships. By letting him walk all over me, I wasn’t doing either of us any favours. By raising my standards, I focused on creating a healthy, balanced relationship and lovingly invited him to join me up here- because I wasn’t willing to step down. Until he does, I will hold that space for him. It could take him a month, 30 years, or 5 lifetimes. But I will celebrate when he does because our liberation is caught up in each other.

So now I understand what my mentor was saying. When you love and respect yourself, you know what you want, and you refuse to settle for less, then people pick up on that self respect. And if you ever come across someone that doesn’t, you just say no and they fall away. Anything that isn’t in alignment with your standards, will just fall away. There won’t be the drama of trying to convince someone of what you deserve. You just give them their breadcrumbs back, and if they really want in, they’ll step up their game. They’ll ask you what you need and then they’ll show up with ten of them. Because when we truly honour each other as the gods and goddesses that we are, we’ll do our best to show how much we love and care about each other. 

In short
Raise your standards
Know what your wants, needs, desires are
Say what they are
Say no to anything less than
~ You now have self respect
~ And people respect the hell out of that
~ Your boundaries are effortlessly created
~ You effortlessly take your power back

If you need help setting your personal boundaries, contact me I’m here for you

Empathize, but Remember Your Standards

freedom with self love

No matter how someone acts, we don’t need to be emotionally triggered by their actions.

But we do get hurt, and one reason for this is that we’re taking their behaviour personally. We let it question our self worth, our lovability. We even complain to others- making it about the other person, when really we’re just masking our own pain of feeling invalidated and unloved.

But when we’re in a healthy relationship with ourselves- we love, trust, respect ourselves- then we don’t need the validation of others because we already have it from the only person who matters. We know what kind of behaviour is acceptable and what is not- not because it’s bad and wrong, but because it’s not supportive or in alignment with where we are and where we’re going. A healthy boundary is effortlessly formed.

Just like if someone talked shit about our best friend. Because we love and believe in our friend, we may defend our friend and question the criticism. Someone acting disrespectfully towards us is an attempt at a boundary violation, sometimes unbeknownst to them. They’re unconscious, in pain, trapped in a pattern, and creating drama.

We can have compassion and empathy for where they’re at- non-judgementally- and, most importantly, recognize that we just don’t want to be in that mess with them. And we don’t have to be, it’s not our responsibility to be. There are professionals that get paid for that.

We need to take care of ourselves first. We need to keep our standards high. Show people how we deserve to be treated, and from a place of love, inspire them to see how they can be treated as well. “Come join us up here!”

Letting people walk all over us isn’t doing anyone any favours- it just enables bad behaviour and keeps us from growing, blocking us from all the good available to us. And by respectfully leaving an unhealthy relationship from a place of love, it’s not an attack on the other, it’s asking them to wake up and meet our standards with their own.

Choose A Side & Love Fiercely

We are at war with ourselves,
reflected by the world around us.
And the only way to win this war,
the only way to peace,
is to choose a side to fight for.
Choose peace. Choose happiness. Choose love.
And then fight fiercely.
Love fiercely.
In every moment,
with every thought, action, word spoken.
Because if we don’t take control of our world,
Then the world will take control of us.
We’ll be victim to our thoughts and emotions.
We’ll feel sad, angry, anxious
because we’re too stubborn, proud, stuck
to choose happiness.
Feel into anger
Tightness in your chest?
Feel into sadness
Pit in your stomach?
Feel into happiness
A lightness surrounding you?
It’s an emotion like the rest
at our disposal.
Easy.
But we need to get out of our own way.
Whatever we choose will impact our quality of life
and that of those around us.
Channel the anger we have with the state of the world towards this solution.
Warriors of the light
it starts with us.
The more we fight for this side,
the stronger it gets.
Miscommunication,
Love yourself.
Unhealthy situation,
Love yourself.
Respect
is a basic human right that doesn’t need to be earned.
Because we’re all in pain,
have compassion.
Our liberation is caught up in each other.
This is a remembering
that at our core we are Love.
A surrendering.
Be vulnerable.
Trust yourself.
This is our work.
No hippie shit here.
It’s the bravest souls that are able to love through the hate.
Love Yourself Photo

How To Create Genuine Relationships

It’s not as black and white as this, but it’s a way to simplify. We have casual friends and best friends. What’s the difference?

Casual friends we see once in a while for short periods of time, catch up, keep it light, update each other, maybe network a little, and celebrate each other’s successes. We could talk about deep, esoteric subjects and even share moments of deeply connected intimacy, but there’s a lack of something that keeps us from contacting the person on a more regular basis.

Best friends are people who share a deeply connected, intimate friendship all the time. They’re like family. They walk alongside you in life. They invest into you. They’re the people you call when something happens. Without making a list of expectations of these kinds of friends, we can agree that they make an effort on a regular basis to show you that they care about you and that you matter. They find out how you need to be loved- your love languages, and then do them because watching your happy reaction makes them happy.

There are several questions we can ask to investigate into why a casual friend isn’t become a best friend. They are:

Connection- Does someone have up walls that can’t be permeated?
Time- Is there time right now to invest into a close friendship?
Other priorities- Does someone already have strong relationships that takes up their time and energy?
Common interests- Do you want to do the same things together?
Common values- Do you want the same things from your life right now?
Common goals and vision for the future- Are you working towards the same things together?
Location- Do you live close enough to spend quality time together?
Spark- Is there a spark that keeps you wanting more of each other? Sometimes we just meet someone and think, “I like this one” and want to spend all of our time with them.

And maybe we’re in complete alignment, but still can’t further our bond. It comes down to vulnerability- being able to show that we love each other. Those that we’re closest to are the people we feel most loved by, the people that show us that they care, and the people we’re able to love in return. Best friends remind us that we’re loved on a regular basis, not just when it’s convenient for them. And this will look differently for everyone. The Five Love Languages is an excellent resource. It speaks to how people give and receive love.

love languages
Balance is important. How are we showing up in our relationships? Are we a giver, a taker or are we balanced? Giving includes things and ourselves- our time and energy. If we’re always taking, then the other person gets depleted and stops giving. It’s not always conscious, but they’ll start to feel unappreciated, taken for granted, drained and maybe even resentful. Are we always the one complaining and needing support, or do we reciprocate and show our appreciation for our friend?

Communication is also important. Ask your friends what they like and do this for them. Nothing extravagant- small gestures go a long way. If you’re the one feeling unloved, notice if you’re over giving and if so, hold back so your friend has the opportunity to give. Also notice how you give to yourself, show the world how you deserve to be treated. And finally, have that conversation. Try not to accuse them of anything or demand they give things to you, but tell your friend that the relationship feels unbalanced and ask them if they notice it. Maybe they’ve never learned the gift of giving. Write down a list of things that make you feel loved so if they ask you what you want you know how to respond. It helps if you look back at things people have done. Remind them that small gestures go a long way and that you care about them so much that you want more of them, not less.

We’re not trying to complete each other or get things that we can’t give to ourselves. And we’re not feeding our anxious attachments here or creating obligations for the other person to meet. We’re simply communicating our needs in relationships that help us to feel loved and fulfilled in this area of life. Expectations lead to disappointments and expectations are just unspoken needs. So let’s communicate our needs! When we’re two whole people coming together, we’re celebrating life by celebrating each other. We’re appreciating our friendships and doing things to see our pal’s reactions because it makes us feel happy and alive and we love experiencing life with them because we adore this beautiful human being! It’s about playing with life and it feels fun showing up in adorable ways for each other.

Can we have friends we don’t love and that don’t love us? No. Those are bullshit friends. They’ll waste your time and sap your energy. They’re most likely opportunists trying to get something from you. Sure, some people are on the path of learning about love, but there needs to be SOME kind of genuine caring feelings with the potential to grow into more. If they don’t care about you based on their actions, not just their words, swipe left.

Sexual Intimacy as a Way to Our Divine Selves

Our core beliefs determine how we perceive the world. While some beliefs put us in alignment with our divine selves, others take us out of it. We’re all offsprings of the culture we grow up in, shaped and moulded by media, parents, families, schools, friends, and religions. And we’ll go along with these beliefs, perspectives, ideas until we stop to ask ourselves if they’re actually serving us, or if we’re playing by the rules.

Sex is loaded with stigmas, expectations, and beliefs. For sake of simplification, there are two kinds of sex- recreational and spiritual. With recreational sex there’s no real connection or intimacy, it’s just a way to satisfy an urge. But with spiritual sex, which is what tantra teaches, it’s a way of connection and intimacy with another person and with a higher being. Whether we call this God, universe, source, or spirit, the commonality shared is they are unconditional love. Because this is where everything comes from, like how we carry our parent’s DNA, we too at our core are  made up of unconditional love. This desire to connect through intimacy is a desire to come home to ourselves and get to know who we truly are.

Unconditional love is pure, it has no attachments or possessiveness. Yet, because of the beliefs we have, or rather sometimes the beliefs that have us, we have expectations and agendas, that hurt us rather than support us. For example, a lot of us equate sexual intimacy with exclusivity. And to challenge this core belief makes us challenge everything we know about love, sex, relationships and ourselves. But I think unconditional love means being able to be intimate with someone and able to allow them the complete freedom to do what will make them happy- whether that’s being exclusively with you or being with others as well.

https://www.flickr.com/photos/leolebug/26291299963/in/faves-33390690@N07/
https://www.flickr.com/photos/leolebug/26291299963/in/[email protected]/

When single, one thing we may miss most about being in a relationship is the intimacy, the hugs, being able to touch someone else. Living alone in this culture can feel very isolating. Even if we’re completely independent- able to fulfill all of our needs, the one thing we can’t get from ourselves is that intimate connection with another person. Even if we are focused on our careers or other life aspects, we crave being intimate with each other. Food and sex are the two most decadent experiences of being alive and an integral part of the human experience. And nurturing this side of ourselves that desires to be sexually intimate fuels the passion we have for our careers, art, families- our entire life.

Sexual intimacy becomes more about enjoying the experience, being in the moment, appreciating another person and sharing moments of bliss. Suppressing this natural way that our body and soul desires to express itself doesn’t honour our true nature. We have these core beliefs around everything- sex included- that are instilled by society and while may seem ‘appropriate,’ are actually trapping us into states of powerlessness causing us to act out of alignment with our true divine selves. While being respectful of each other, can we allow ourselves to be completely unravelled?

The Importance of Having a Support Group

When diagnosed with an ailment, you are teamed with specialists, doctors, therapists- everyone deemed necessary to help rehabilitate you to good health. Amazing. A support group so you don’t have to go through it alone.

When we look at the aspects of our lives- Spiritual, Relationship, Career, Fun, Health, Money, Personal Growth, and Physical Envionment- we could identify some as healthier than others. We may have a life coach, a therapist, or a few good friends helping us, but for the most part we’re usually a lone wolf forging our ways through the wilderness of this sometimes very confusing and mysterious world.

There is a power in being in a community:

– People hold you accountable to you goals.
– People inspire you with their own dreams, pushing you to reach further, go bigger.
– The connections and networking opportunities you receive when widening your inner circle.
– The support. People encourage you and remind you that you can do it, you already are.
– People to celebrate your successes with.
– People who love and believe in you.
– The opportunity to serve, help and love your friends the way they’ve helped you.
– A team keeps the momentum going.
– People help you remain FOCUSED.
– When you spiral into uncertainty, dispair, depression, rejection- People encourage you to keep going.
– People to stay strong with when you’re attacked by those who don’t want you to succeed.
– A pack of wolves is less likely to be targeted than a single wolf.
– People to share your ideas with without being discouraged and put down.
– And to experience with others the continuous progression of everyone achieving their goals.

How fucking rewarding would that be. And nurturing. And loving. And supportive.

Those who work at a company may experience this with their team members working on the same project- especially in the agile environment. It’s also why startups are so hot right now. An incredible amount of work gets done in a space like this. 

A couple months ago I started to see a Mentor and a Healer who both have me updating them weekly on the progress in my life. They encourage me, help me to generate ideas, push me further, celebrate my successes, and more than anything support me. It’s been a game changer for me because now when the outside world discourages me, I have my team that refocuses me and keeps me going.

In school, we would do our homework because we had to or we would be punished. But when we’re out of school, we’re suddenly expected to hold ourselves accountable. Complete independence is the goal, but until we’re there, it’s really nice to have people to check our homework and be proud of us for accomplishing it. 

Surround yourself with people who bring you higher. There will always be noise- criticism and vampires- not everyone wants you to succeed. And when you’re alone you’re more suseptable to these attacks. When you’re in a tribe, you’re too focused on your goals and you have too much momentum to get bogged down by this noise.
 

The Toronto Spirit Tribe is reformatting to create this kind of supportive environment. I am craving it and that means others out there are too. Together we’re behaving like the Masters that we are. We’re taking our power back. From victimhood to victory, we’re the ones who are coming to save us. And we don’t have to do it alone. Community is everything.

Join the Tribe:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/TorontoSpiritTribe/

Toronto Spirit Tribe

Toronto, ON
403 lightworkers

The intention of this group is to create a conscious community by connecting like-minded, heart-centred, sensitive and empathic people in Toronto, Ontario. We gather together …

Next Meetup

Create Your Dream Life: Health

Saturday, Dec 10, 2016, 3:00 PM
4 Attending

Check out this Meetup Group →

Support Group Photo