I just want to be an asshole- Finding Balance

balance_erika_lu

We are dynamic individuals made up of different versions of ourselves- the mind/the ego comprised of our gremlins and archetypal energies, the body, and the spirit/the higher self. Each aspect of ourselves has a perspective, a desire to express itself, and needs to be satisfied. By embodying one side of ourselves, we get really good at it. But this is a world of duality, and when we’re good at one thing, we need to get good at it’s opposite. Once there, we can then refine our way to a place of balance somewhere in the middle. Balance is what we all strive to achieve because when we are balanced we are whole and authentically our true selves. In balance, all of these aspects have a seat at the table.

Why Be Balance
To be balanced is closer to being true to your authentic self. Again, you’re not just one version of yourself, you’re an entire spectrum that all needs to come together in harmony. Anything out of balance is destructive because when you don’t nurture one side of yourself, it starts acting out and “running the show.” It takes control and you lose power over your life. For example, those moments of laziness when you’ve not getting anything done is because something inside of you is screaming to be heard and it’s stopping you from being able to move. When you get in touch with these sides of yourself and give them space to be, you gain more control over them so they no longer act out and cause destruction in your life. You develop a healthy relationship with them, so when they need something, you can provide it, and they don’t have to scream at you anymore. They’re not bad and wrong, they’re you, they’ve just really upset from being ignored.

The Dark Side of Being Polite
So often in our culture we’re trained to be nice, to keep it classy, and basically to control ourselves- to abandon some of our aspects in favour of ones that are more socially acceptable. But what ends up happening is we put the needs of others before ourselves. We’ll suppress our own voice and needs to be peace keepers. We wont respect our own boundaries and instead allow ourselves to be walked all over. In doing so, we’ll remain victims and never be respected or have our boundaries respected by others. We’ll never grow into the incredible people we truly are. We’ll also enable the unhealthy behaviours of others by not speaking up and taking a stand when the situation calls for it. Nobody wins, nobody grows. Personally I find myself uncomfortable around these people because they’re not being honest. They’re prone to passive aggressive behaviours, exploding and projecting on others, and/or self destructive tendencies including addictive habits and creating illness in their body. This is because they’re suppressing their truth and it’s going to find it’s way out somehow, and without self awareness, it’s not going to come out quietly.

Why We Keep Others Out of Balance
Destructive behavioural patterns that leave us imbalanced and unhealthy are socially desirable because it keeps us all on an even playing field. Some examples of these patterns include binge watching netflix, binge drinking, eating junk food and creating drama. If I told you I just indulged in a box of cookies you would probably laugh at me because it makes you feel a little bit better about yourself. That you have these human moments too. Such a relief! People naturally connect over their weaknesses and wounds. While we admire our role models and mentors for their balanced and refined qualities, we sometimes competitively envy our comrades who are developing themselves because when we compare ourselves to them, we perceive ourselves as less valuable. It becomes threatening. But when we’re more in control of our self development and we see ourselves improving, we genuinely want the best for others as well. We’re all on the same team and we understand that our liberation is caught up in each other.

Getting Balance
When we’re learning something new, we focus our energy onto it so that it can develop. When learning to speak up after staying quiet for most of our lives, we can end up at the opposite end of the spectrum causing us to speak offensively and at a higher volume than we’re aware of. While it’s amazing that we’re developing a skill, it’s development isn’t complete until we’ve refined it further by bringing it into balance.

First, notice any hidden desires you have. This is kinda fun, and kinda sexy. Being bad is sexy isn’t it? Is there a seductive vixen in there? A version of you that wants to tell everyone off? Eat 400 lbs of cake without giving a fuck? Be lazy and irresponsible? Let yourself explore what each one of these desires really means and let yourself embody it. Give them space to be. Go somewhere where nobody knows you if you have to. These different versions of you are what make you unique, beautiful and so much fun.

What To Expect
It’s going to get messy. You’re going to make mistakes and upset people. You’re learning. You’ll need to be able to own your mistakes and apologise when the situation warrants it, and thank others for allowing the space for you to grow. And when you finally get to embody the richness of the sides of yourself that have lay dormant, celebrate, appreciate your determination and perseverance, and then refine yourself to a middle place of balance. Refine refine refine. And soon you’ll be in touch with all of these dynamic sides of yourself and you’ll really see the beauty of who you are.

Everything I’ve Ever Wanted I Already Have in the Richness of My Imagination

Create Visualize Imagine Inspiring Photo

We live in a world of duality, a reflection of the separation of the two hemispheres of our brain- right and left, yin and yang, feminine and masculine, surrender and action. Enlightenment is merging both into the sacred union allowing us to be the creators that we came here to be to imagine a life of our own choosing into existence. We’re meant to be playing and having fun, we just forgot how powerfully creative we already are.

Thoughts Are Things: Harnessing the Power of Our Minds Through Imagination & Visualization

Our natural state is to play. Look at kiddies, making up stories and seeing a world that to us isn’t there. I remember once having a funeral for a dolphin lol Our imaginations are vast and using them, harnessing their power, is the first step to creating a life that we desire to live.

But, our mind power may be weak because it’s been a while since we’ve effectively used it. The brain is a muscle that needs to be exercised to be strong. Certain actions like watching tv, having fun but mindless chatter over a glass of wine, are like junk food for the brain. They make it sluggish and lazy. But other actions like meditation, focusing, visualization are like a work out for your brain.

Baby Steps

When I first started meditating, my brain literally hurt in my third eye area just like your quads or abs hurt after a workout. But just because something hurts or is too hard doesn’t mean we should stop. How would we develop any of the skills that we have if we gave up? The Compound Effect is an amazing book that speaks to the benefits of developing simple habits that compound over time, leading us to huge results with very little effort. It’s really a matter of five minutes a day and building on it slowly because a new healthy habit have the power to change our entire lives.

Mufasa Said It Best: Remember Who You Are

A little while ago I wrote about playing for the team that you want to win. We’re either a victim to our circumstances, powerless, feeling sorry for ourselves and scoring on our own nets destined to never amount to anything beyond what we already are. Or, we’re creators- self aware of our own power to choose a life we desire by investing into ourselves.

Just like we’re genetically predisposed to the DNA of our parents and ancestors, we’re also made up of a spark of the Universal Love that we came from. We’ve been playing it small because we forget who our real parents are. At our core, we too are Love, powerful, beautiful beings. When we remember this and honour this, we raise our standards and revere ourselves in the highest esteem.

It Begins With Having A Healthy Relationship With Ourselves 

A couple years ago when my partnership ended and my beloved best friend crossed over, I had to master surrendering. I didn’t yet have a healthy relationship with myself and I looked to the external world to keep me here. I know she left at a time when she knew I was strong enough to be here on my own. It was terrifying because I felt like a pendulum hovering in space without any grounding. I was constantly tested by the worst quality of people. I had to learn how to come home to myself. Independence. How to be my own best friend. I was a stranger to myself, and not willing to go the distance and make the effort for a stranger. To have the will to push through all of the resistance that keeps us small and trapped, we need to harness that fierce loving energy that we would feel for our child, animal, best friend. We need to feel that for ourselves.

Spending time alone with the tv on or reading a book doesn’t count. Imagine yourself as two people- how much of a connection would you develop with that other person with distractions all around. Connection comes from listening to yourself, quality time, self pleasuring, doing nice things for yourself, acknowledging the efforts that you make, gratitude- all of the things that you would do for your partner to feel loved.

And when you begin to develop this relationship, you acknowledge the value and worth that you have. This is where true confidence comes from. You believe in yourself. When someone talks shit about you, it no longer resonates like it used to. You know you’re not perfect but you do know that you’re worthy. You see your spark and you’re a beautiful little human.

When We’re Going Through A Difficult Time, or Having a Bad Day, We Need To Start By Clearing

When challenges arise, the victim says poor me. The creator asks, where’s the opportunity? What’s the lesson? How can I show up as the best version of myself? The creator chooses to respond in a way that’s for the highest good of all, rather than reacting in a way that perpetuates fear and lack. The creator knows that they are the master of their emotions- they decide how they want to feel.

Self awareness is key. Sometimes we wake up feeling the weight of anger, sadness, depression, shame, fear- all of those patterns that keep us trapped in the victim archetype.

But the creators notices and says, “I’m going to change my state. I’m not going to spend my day feeling this way.” And there are probably different ways of doing this, but this is how I do it.

Changing Our State- From Victim to Creator

I sit in meditation, either at home in isolation or outside in the sun- depending on what intuitively best serves me at that time. I listen to my body. I asked it, what’s up? I don’t analyze or try to make sense of it, I just allow myself to feel everything deeply. There’s resistance- I surrender into that. I might cry, make noises, definitely breathing deeply. I am super focused on holding space for my body and spirit. This is where you need strength of mind to focus.

I’ll start to intuitively move into different yin yoga postures. Holding there and allowing the energy to release. After doing this for years now I can feel the release and transformation. The old emotions pour out of me into the earth to be transformed. And for some reason, I have no idea why, it’s really painful! Something about moving forward into the new and leaving the old behind. We hold a lot in our cells and it’s like an energetic detox. I have to surrender into it, trust the process, trust myself, and trust the outcome, until it changes, and it always does, and I feel better, expansive, lighter, happier.

Now We’re Ready To Create: Feeling Gratitude To Raise Your Vibe

In this place, I start by attuning myself to a high frequency. I loooove the frequency of gratitude. It feels expansive, supportive, loving, kind and nurturing. When I tap into the energy of gratitude is when I feel the most creative. I feel like I’m in flow with the universe. I feel my divinity. How supported I am in this world because I am the one supporting me and if I am divine then I can and will always have everything that I’ve ever desired. I am always taken care of because I am always taking care of myself. The universe has my back because I am the universe and I’m so incredibly grateful for this and for everything.

Every self help book or program we read from Napoleon Hill to Tony Robbins to Mama Gena says you need to say your gratitudes. But to say them is futile. We need to feeeeel them deeeeeply. And it’s not as tedious as one may think because once we feel how incredibly good they feel, it’s completely addictive! When I first started this process, and even still from time to time, the feeling of gratitude is so overwhelming that it turns me into a blubbering mess.

It helps to have a gratitude journal and as your write them down, feel your energy expand. Notice yourself get happier and happier. When I do this at the park, the dogs always come to me and give me their toys to play with them lol. Such cute, innocent little babes. Animals sense energy so it’s a great confirmation that it’s working. When I feel filled up, high, excited, and connected then I flow into my visualizations.

Everything I’ve Ever Wanted I Already Have in the Richness of My Imagination

The world that we currently reside in, is one reality. But we need to understand that our thoughts, imagination, and visualizations create alternate realities that are different, but just as real as this one. A spirit exists in another reality, and just because we’re not in that reality doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. Sometimes it crosses over into ours, and sometimes we cross over into theirs, which is how they are sometimes visible. Thoughts are things. They exist in other realities and the more we energize them, the more likely they are to manifest into this reality.

The best way to energize our imagination, aka image maker, is to experience what we desire with all of our senses. Not sure what you desire? Think of those you’re jealous of- what do they have that you wish you had?? Imagine the noises you would hear, flavours you would taste, textures you would touch with your hands, and notice all the details and colours you would see. Allow your emotions to be activated. You are there right now in your imagination, how would you naturally feel? If it’s your fantasy you’d probably be ecstatic! Balance both the small things that you’ve had before that are easy to visualize like cookie dough ice-cream, with the big adventures of African Safaris and running your own empire. The more details the better. Get so blissed out that you’re grinning from ear to ear.

Escape this reality and travel to another that exists just as much as this one. And feel that gratitude that everything you have ever desired is here right now. It’s already yours. Trust that because you are Diving Essence and you get to create everything you’ve ever desired because it’s what we’re here to do. It’s time to have fun and create a world that is rich with desire.

It’s Selfish Not To

I have a sense that you may be thinking that to desire more than we already have as spoiled North Americans is selfish. I think that it’s selfish not to. We’re here to be the best versions of ourselves, light ourselves up from within so that by healing the duality within us, we heal the external world. The external world is a reflection of the internal world. We need to step into our Mastery and Creator  energy first, become independent, to then become interdependent. Harmony depends on us. We need to fill up our glass first. We need to first fulfill our desires, to then realize we don’t need them at all, but we do have the power and spark of divinity to heal the duality within us and create a Utopian Bliss.

When The Future Isn’t Certain

The other day I became hyper aware of the duality that’s existing in my mind at all times. While most people see happy, optimistic Erika, there’s also my shadow side that’s incredibly self critical, doubtful, and careless. The majority of the time I feel pulled by both sides– both screaming at me, telling me what I should do, that I’ll amount to nothing, but also keep going you’re doing great and it’ll all work out! It’s overwhelming and nauseating. So I’ll numb myself out- shut it off so it’s finally quiet. But that’s not a solution, it’s an escape, and isn’t serving me at all.

According to Tantric philosophy, all pain, suffering and sickness comes from duality. The solution then is to pick a side. Henry Ford said: “‘Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t–you’re right.’”

I can’t believe I’m about to make a sports reference- but by entertaining both my healthy and self defeating thoughts, I am playing for both teams. It’s confusing as hell because imagine watching a soccer match where the players suddenly switch teams to shoot on their own nets. It would be chaos! You’d probably get bored and leave. And I feel that way. It becomes so chaotic in my mind that I numb out and become careless out of survival- opposite of my natural, deeply empathic and considerate way of being.

We need to choose a side. It takes self awareness, to notice our thoughts, our self criticism, doubts, worries, fears and say no, I’m not playing for that team. Because if we don’t choose a side, we’ll never win. So when we wake up in the morning and we don’t want to move, or when we’re looking at the workout bag and soo lazy, and when our thoughts are screaming at us that none of this is worth the effort, remember to play for the team that you’ve committed to playing for. Over time, the strength of this team will grow and we’ll start to reach milestones of success that the other team always told us were not possible.

Choose a team soccer match photo

The Greatest Medicine Ever

On New Years Eve, excited for the new year, I felt inspired to paint my apartment! So I painted for over 15 hours and when I woke up the next day, I couldn’t move lol I especially hurt my hand- I could barely move it and was in so much pain I had to take pain killers- which I never do.

I sat with my hand and tuned into the pain. I gave her my full attention and listened. I had flashbacks to being in the hospital as a kid, having the IV in my wrist, morphine and medicine pumping into me. I could feel the intense itch of the morphine. The most pain was where I still have scars from needles and testing. The visions and sensations were as though it was happening now. I cried, processed, and held the space for this to be released. The memories of family coming to see me, crying, standing by my hospital bed, holding my hand while feeling upset. I released all of their pain that I’ve been holding onto for them. Then I had to reconnect with my hand, mend my relationship with it, hold it to my heart and do hoponopono with it.

This morning when I woke up, the pain was less, and now, evening, it’s practically gone. In one day it went from unbelievable pain unable to move, to sitting here- painless- typing this. Really incredible. So I want to share how I did it. It’s an incredibly intuitive process of giving your body, mind and spirit your full attention. It can be used for any issue- physical, emotional, mental, spiritual- anything that is bothering you. I believe without confirmation that this work is shamanic. It brings you deep into the darkness of the underworld to release and gain the wisdom you need for the next stage.

 

Attention and Holding Space for Yourself

Throughout the entire process you will be in a deep trance of giving your body, mind and spirit your full attention. Listen deeply as though you’re listening to a friend speak. Curiously, with love and care, listen to your body, your thoughts. Keeping your eyes closed helps you to connect.

When you hold the space for yourself, you are watching yourself, acutely paying attention.

Holding space is bringing awareness to something, and giving your body/mind/soul space and focus to transmute the energy. The alchemist.

There are two of you- your higher self is holding the space for your human self, like a mother caring for a child. It feels like there’s a spirit, energy, that is hovering above and around you. The human version of you is releasing, surrendering, doing the work, crying, screaming, moving- all while being guided by your higher self.

 

Movement and Intuition

Movement helps to distract your mind and keep your focus. It also helps to get the energy flowing in your body, unblocking anywhere it may be currently stuck. I use a series of simple kundalini movements that I’ve memorized that activate my spine to connect me with my higher self. The kundalini movements are also great with directing me on how to properly breathe deeply throughout the process. Use something you don’t have to think about that’s just running in the background.

Your intuition of when to move, how does your body need to move, when to speak, when to write, what needs to be said- is everything. Allow yourself to be guided, surrender to this fully. Honour yourself, your inner guidance, your wisdom.

Processing image
www.mikemonaghanphoto.com

First, notice how your body wants to express itself:

    Automatic writing: write without thinking

    Automatic speaking: Just speak, what needs to be said through you.

    Intuitive movement: Need to punch the shit out of the bed? Care for yourself throughout the process- the wall will break your hand.

 

Second, know that you’re not alone. Part of you is here in this body, having this very humane experience, and the other part of you is divinity- your higher self is pure love hovering above you, connected with you, guiding you.

    Feel the connection grow with your higher self.

   Connect with the love consciousness.

   Surrender yourself to your higher self.

   Allow your higher self to support you, nurture you, love you, take care of you.

   Surrender to that. Let go.

    Let the emotions, feelings grow.

Your higher Self is going to hold the space and coach your human self. Both versions of you will express itself. There will be times where your human self is upset, perhaps questioning things and your higher self is responding. It’s not about going into victim mode and focusing on the crap- like in therapy, it’s about focusing on the highest vibration of love and elevating yourself to this to release everything not in alignment with it. When you are connected, these are no longer solely your movements, your thoughts-  now you’re in this dance with your higher self.

 

Third, speak, move, and emote intuitively. Be honest. Even if it’s ugly. It might sound like therapy where your higher self is asking questions and challenging your human self. Be sure to stay in your heart and body, don’t go into your mind. The questions that come from your higher self don’t come from your thoughts- you’re not thinking, everything is on instinct. Be honest with everything you are feeling- everything is true and right.

Keep with the motions. Move intuitively. Hold certain poses if your body wishes. Contort yourself in unnatural positions if desired. The energy is moving.

When emotions come up, let them out, cry, scream, make unnatural noises- your throat is clearing, get it out. Don’t think about how weird it is, nobody is watching or listening. My landlord hasn’t complained yet.


Remember to continue to hold the space for yourself.

 

Fourth, pay attention to subtle changing energies. As the process deepens, you may feel activation at your crown chakra. A presence, connection with your higher self.

Notice when the energy shifts to drama/trauma, victim, poor me. You can be in this, perhaps reliving a past memory, while your higher self is holding the space for you to transmute this. You will feel both the trauma and the power of the transmutation simultaneously. The difference between drama and processing is you feel strong. Even though crying, you are in your strength, sitting straight up or in a position you intuitively came into. Remember how powerful you are, breathe and release what needs to come out while holding yourself in the highest esteem.

 

Fifth, ask for help. If and when the energy gets super intense, ask your higher self, guides, angels to help you clear. They’re literally sitting there waiting, but can’t act until you ask. They want you to ask, and when you do, the energy shifts and releases instantly. It’s incredible. You’ll think, whoa, why was I crying.

In these intense moments, ground yourself with deep breaths and by feeling the floor with your hands.

 

Remember to continue to move intuitively. Try not to do too much, keep the trance, keep your eyes closed. But listen to loud intuitive calls like to drink water, hug a bolster. Honour yourself. You may be called to do something for a release to happen. I had to hug a bolster once to feel supported, and that support helped me to process. But generally, stay in the same area. Moving around too much might be tactical and dramatic. Be honest with your antics.

 

When you’re nearing the end, you will feel a smile creep up on your lips. A sense of lightness, calmness, less to no intensity, relief, and peace.  You feel like you let something go. You’ve had realizations, epiphanies, a change in perspective. You’re not crying anymore, nor do you feel the need. You’re kinda smiling a little.

 

Sixth, lay down on the mat and rest for a moment. You may feel energized. Definitely hungry. Thank yourself. Thank your guides. Eat. Take a nap.

 

The Next Day You will be exhausted the next day. Hungry. Take care of yourself and be grateful for the incredible work you’ve done. Congratulations :)

 

This is the incredible process I use to intuitively heal myself- mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually. I’ve successfully used it many times for a myriad of reasons. When you do it, listen to your intuition and alter it appropriately. You know what’s best for you. If you need extra guidance, send me a message- I’d love to help to guide you through it.

 

Fulfilling Our Physical Needs for Mental and Spiritual Expansion

My Spiritual path began in early 2010-ish when I was suffering from health issues. Specifically, gallbladder attacks. I couldn’t eat anything without having an attack. I was under 100 lbs and it was recommended I have my gallbladder removed. Personally, I don’t do well with people telling me to remove my organs so I took it as a challenge to heal myself. It started with changing my diet.

I experimented with the elimination diet. This is where you eliminate EVERYTHING (basically, emphasis for drama because seriously it’s hard as f*ck) and slowly reintroduce foods back into your diet to see what affects you. I ended up not reintroducing certain foods because being on a gluten free vegan organic diet was the most supportive for me at this time. By eating this way, my body was able to take a break and detox a lifetimes worth of toxins.

Eating a very basic, clean diet allowed my Self to focus on other things. In Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, the bottom section that all other sections depend on is Psychological Needs: food, water, warmth, rest. In order for us to have safety, love and relationships, esteem and self-actualization, we need to have our basic needs met. Eating a healthy diet is part of fulfilling our basic needs so that we can gradually grow and expand into more complex beings.

maslow-pyramid
Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs

Similarly, the root chakra at the base of the spine represents survival. When our bodies aren’t fully nourished nutritionally and is being hounded with toxins and junk food, then the body is in survival mode. It isn’t able to move beyond doing repair work to express it’s full potential. Because all the chakras above depend on the health of the chakra below, we need to create a healthy environment for our Selves to grow and expand.

7 chakras in the body
7 Chakras

When my diet changed I started to develop a connection and a relationship with Spirit. I grew up Catholic with my mom telling me each night before bed in her heavy Italian accent, “say your prayers, Erika!” *kiss* However, every Sunday we would go to church and come home to my dad’s tyranny. I still remember the moment that I told God, “this is bullshit you’re not listening and I’m not talking to you anymore.” It was heartbreaking. And for over ten years I was very lonely, empty, and terrified having gone through everything that I had to go through alone.

But when my connection with Spirit started to develop again, I realized that what I rejected wasn’t God, it was religion. Spirit had been there for me all along, like a parent, watching me sleep through a nightmare and trying to wake me up. The cells in our body hold onto old memories and patterns. By detoxing, I started to flush out emotional, mental and psychological baggage as well. Everything is connected. I had taken “the red pill” and I started to wake up.

So here I am 6-ish years later with a healthy body, including a gallbladder that is healed and in tack, and an incredible spiritual maturity- just read my blog 😉 As I’ve been traveling down the rabbit hole exploring life from new perspectives, having existential crises and navigating the underworld, I, ironically, didn’t think to develop my mind at the level that I brought my body and especially my spirit. So now I question, how can optimal physical health impact my mental focus?

The mind is what we use to act. It’s how we focus our energy into creating what we want in this world. The mind is what’s responsible for envisioning our dreams and setting out to make them happen. In Tony Robbin’s “Awaken The Giant Within,” he challenges us to do a mind detox where you are aware of your thoughts the entire day and only stay focused on the positive. I couldn’t even make it a day. So I’ve met with both a nutritionist and a physical trainer, and as I strengthen my physical body further to reach its optimal health and challenge myself to a kidney flush, I’m going to do this mind detox again and see how the mental and physical relate.

As well as exercise and nutrition, other ways to nourish and fulfill yourself physically include:

– Dry brushing
– Massage
– Acuballs and acupuncture mats
– Organic body creams, essential oils and makeup
– Filtered alkaline water, I use the Akai machine
– Light daily stretching first thing in the morning, I do kundalini yoga to activate the chakras
– Restorative yoga at the end of the day
– Getting silk pillowcases and Egyptian Cotton sheets with a high thread count
– Being intimate with yourself or with someone you’re comfortable and safe with
– Snuggling an animal and enjoying their softness
– Speaking with your cells, thanking them for all that they do and sending them some love each time you shower
– Cup of tea
– Breathing exercises, just take a deep breath right now
– Trip to the spa!
– Be out in the sunshine
– Floatation tank

Do your best to enjoy being in your body. You wouldn’t be here without her. Allow and accept her as she is, and then take the initiative to change what you don’t like. The power is in your hands. We are all capable of much more than we think we are. The first step in achieving happiness and fulfillment in life is proper self care.