For the Self to be in service to the ego, the ego needs to surrender to receive the universal insights and wisdom available from the collective consciousness. When the ego is in service to the Self, it uses this information to create a life that is in alignment with the true values, principals, and purpose of the Self. Because when ego and Self are aligned, then we are in flow and in a state of freedom and bliss. Celebrating life and playing on this beautifully lush earth becomes possible because through this connection we feel completely secure, supported, and abundant. We begin to appreciate the gift of life the way that a gift is meant to be enjoyed; and this is the ultimate form of gratitude.
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As I lay imagining my daily visualizations, I noticed how tense my body was and how closed off I was energetically. I questioned, how am I going to receive everything that I’m visualizing while in this tensed up state? I fully let my body relax and opened up my energy field. To do this, I surrendered and let go of everything I was mentally, emotionally, and physically holding onto, and allowed my energy to naturally expand. I felt my heart energy grow and noticed how vulnerable I felt in this state. My energy field almost quivered in uncertainty, until I felt a surge of protection surrounding me. I relaxed into it and felt myself getting filled up with light. Starting from my heart, and filling up my entire body.
A couple days later I had an epiphany that had related to this experience. I realized how stubborn I had been and how this was responsible for keeping me stuck in a daily routine that wasn’t aligned with the kind of life and experiences I envisioned for myself.
Having experienced disappointment and suffering time and time again, eventually everything in my being just said ENOUGH- I’m not moving. There’s so much that I wanted to do but couldn’t move forward. I was stubborn to a set of beliefs that don’t allow flexibility into a new way of being. My entire body reflected this with tense muscles, shot adrenals, and persistent anxiety. I had lost trust in myself and needed to rebuild this in order to feel secure to move forward.
Rebuilding Trust With Myself – Moving From Insecure to Secure
The people that we trust are those that we can count on. They have integrity. How many times have we showed up late, said we’re going to do something and not followed through, abandoned unfinished projects. In Anatomy of the Spirit, Caroline Myss says that to rebuild trust, which is at the core of our root chakra, we need to have integrity- loyalty and honour with ourselves and with others in our Tribe.
“You have to be able to give your word and keep it-whether it is to another person or to yourself. You have to be able to trust yourself to complete something and honor your commitments. When you don’t trust yourself, everyone and everything around you feels temporary and fragile because that is how you feel within yourself.”
You can start with small challenges that you know you will succeed at. I’m currently on day 17 of 21 of a no sugar commitment. And to succeed, I’m using my stubbornness to my advantage!
Let Stubbornness Work For You, Not Against You
We’ll never be perfect, this is a planet of duality and we’ll forever have our inner gremlins. It’s what we’re unaware of that has power over us. When we practice self awareness and notice when we’re reacting with stubbornness, we can choose to respond differently. And alternatively, when we want to accomplish something, we can activate our stubbornness to help us!
But we do need to be weary of what we’re being stubborn about. Using it to help us finish something we’ve been putting off is probably helpful. But stubbornness is an attempt at control. So if we have a habit of being stubborn, we need to ask, how else are we being controlling?
Expectations Create Disappointments
This is really tricky. Some may say that our expectations in life- our goals- can fuel and drive us. But failed expectations create an emotional rollercoaster of excitement and disappointment.
For example, we meet someone, get excited, start to imagine the future with them, but it ends and we’re heart broken. We have plans to go out, something happens, event is cancelled. We experiment with a new supplement or healing modality with a high success rate, but it doesn’t help us.
The list goes on and in each instance, when we assume a desirable outcome, we’re trying to control the external world. So then how do we create a future we desire without having expectations?
Practicing Non-Attachment & Gratitude Because Everything is Temporary
This attempt at controlling everything around us is futile. Fortunately unfortunately, nothing lasts- everything is temporary. Like the ebb and flow of the ocean, we’re meant to be fluid. This moment right now is beautifully unique to never be re-created in all time and space. It is precious and fleeting. Hold it in your heart and revere it with deep gratitude because sooner or later, people leave, circumstances change, and tomorrow it may not be here.
Stop kidding yourself by thinking that you’re the only person that can beat it by creating expectations of the future and stubbornly trying to hold onto them. You will almost always be disappointed. All suffering comes from a fear of loss and all bitter resentment comes from things not having gone our way. Let it go. Trying to control, to hold on, only creates more suffering.
Let this humble us, let it soften us. By using integrity to develop security within ourselves, we can trust the process and trust ourselves that we can handle absolutely everything that comes our way. We would never be given anything that we can’t handle. Everything will always be okay because when has it not been? To have fun and enjoy ourselves is the ultimate form of gratitude. When we come home to ourselves, we stop attaching to things external to us. We enjoy the moment in full gratitude, and let it freely slip through our fingers.
No Expectations & Non-Attachment Allows a Total Freedom to Create
Creating is our natural state. Every day we use our imaginations to create prototypes of what we want to experience, and then we act in ways that allow them to show up. Life is a playground of creating everything we desire to experience.
Many of us don’t push the boundaries of our lives, living variations of the same day for years because our willingness to create is stunted by this fear of loss. We’ve grown attached to what we know, and stubbornly try to control outcomes that we want. But when we stop exhausting our energy trying to control, then we can focus on our values and act in ways that energize them. This can create experiences and circumstances that go beyond what we could have come up with on our own.
Surrendering Control Aligns Us With What is For Our Highest Good
This is HUGE. Say we’re in a relationship that has past it’s time and no longer supports our growth or is in alignment with our values, but we’re too stubborn to admit this, to let go of the future we’ve committed to. This relationship will only hold us back and bring us down.
Alternatively, we revere the relationship with the deepest gratitude for absolutely everything it has brought us, accept that we’ve had our time together and it’s time to flow in another direction, and to trust ourselves that we’re able to do this. This huge choice, though difficult, is what aligns us with our deepest fulfillment. It gets us unstuck and back into the flow of life. We’re free now to create everything we desire to experience in this lifetime.
This doesn’t mean treat people like they’re disposable. It means Love deeply, but don’t hold on when it’s time to let go. And don’t be resentful of endings because they’re a natural part of life. And to practice non-attachment, gratitude, flexibility instead of control, allows us to relax and Trust ourselves and the process, and really begin to enjoy life and start to play again. It really is about time that we get back on track and start having fun again.
Lol. I’m working on this part. I have yet to integrate full flexibility. Body, mind, spirit are all connected and by working on one, the others benefit. So, I like to work on all three.
Body: Notice where you’re holding tension and releasseee. Yoga is great for this. I started singing lessons and use diaphragm & breathing exercises to release the tension in my throat.
Mind: Practice self-awareness and conscious choices in every situation. Notice when you’re being stubborn and ask yourself if it’s serving you. Be honest! Perhaps using your stubbornness in ways that benefit you, like by creating healthy habits, will give it a healthy outlet!
Spirit: In meditation, surrender and let go of the tension stored in your muscles and the walls you’ve built up to energetically block yourself off. Once you’ve let go, notice how this allows your energy to expand. Pay attention to where it stops or gets stuck, hold space for it, and allow it to transform and move again. Yoga Nidra has guided meditations for this!
Good luck and keep me posted on your process!
No matter how someone acts, we don’t need to be emotionally triggered by their actions.
But we do get hurt, and one reason for this is that we’re taking their behaviour personally. We let it question our self worth, our lovability. We even complain to others- making it about the other person, when really we’re just masking our own pain of feeling invalidated and unloved.
But when we’re in a healthy relationship with ourselves- we love, trust, respect ourselves- then we don’t need the validation of others because we already have it from the only person who matters. We know what kind of behaviour is acceptable and what is not- not because it’s bad and wrong, but because it’s not supportive or in alignment with where we are and where we’re going. A healthy boundary is effortlessly formed.
Just like if someone talked shit about our best friend. Because we love and believe in our friend, we may defend our friend and question the criticism. Someone acting disrespectfully towards us is an attempt at a boundary violation, sometimes unbeknownst to them. They’re unconscious, in pain, trapped in a pattern, and creating drama.
We can have compassion and empathy for where they’re at- non-judgementally- and, most importantly, recognize that we just don’t want to be in that mess with them. And we don’t have to be, it’s not our responsibility to be. There are professionals that get paid for that.
We need to take care of ourselves first. We need to keep our standards high. Show people how we deserve to be treated, and from a place of love, inspire them to see how they can be treated as well. “Come join us up here!”
Letting people walk all over us isn’t doing anyone any favours- it just enables bad behaviour and keeps us from growing, blocking us from all the good available to us. And by respectfully leaving an unhealthy relationship from a place of love, it’s not an attack on the other, it’s asking them to wake up and meet our standards with their own.
Sound familiar? This is my story, one of my deepest wounds and biggest struggles. To offer some support on your journey, here I share the lessons I’ve learned to overcome this.
Have you heard of HSP? Highly Sensitive Person. It’s someone who is extra sensitive to lights, tastes, sounds, emotions, energies, etc, thus causing one to isolate themselves to the beauty of a quiet room where they can retreat in peace. More information is available here: http://hsperson.com/
I relate to being an HSP. My most sensitive eccentricities include loud noises and my sometimes overwhelming emotions. And so I wonder what are the benefits of being highly sensitive? Can it be a super power instead of a hindrance? Totally! Our sensitive emotions can intuitively detect red flags faster than the average person. And this detection system can be used to direct our lives towards creating something that is in line with our highest good and fulfillment.
If we aspire for greatness, then we want to surround ourselves with people that lift us up and inspire us because, as Jim Rohn says, we are the average of the 5 people we spend the most time with. Our sensitivity gives us a clear indication of how healthy a relationship is. If you have two people, one highly sensitive and one of average sensitivity, and both are spending time with someone who is incredibly charming, funny, beautiful, but, even unbeknownst to them has poor intentions, the person most likely to pick up on this is the highly sensitive one. The trick is to trust yourself, trust your gut, your intuitive feelings. Listen to your heart, the little voice inside, even if your eyes, mind and even sex organ desire a different outcome.
HSPs tend to be peacekeepers. Because they are sensitive to conflict and violence, they would never want to start it. But it is necessary for you to be brave. Nice isn’t powerful. If you know with your whole being that you need to step away from a potentially harmful situation, despite what the results may be, YOU HAVE TO DO IT. And you WILL continue to make the same mistakes until you finally learn to listen.
Honour yourself. The only way you will get to where you desire to be, to where your most fulfillment and enlightenment is, is by honouring your needs and making sometimes tough decisions to do what’s right for you. You will never regret these choices. I’ve had to let go of many relationships, and not always because the people are bad people, they could potentially be the most beautiful and kind, but they were not right for me at that time. And sometimes the test is just to listen and honour our highest honesty.
Trust in the abundance of life. By letting someone or even something go, it’s never a loss. A new door ALWAYS opens- it’s the universal law of balance. Holding on can be more painful sometimes than just letting go. And we need to consider the longterm. It may be comfortable now, but how comfortable will you be if you keep holding on. Is this worth you being held back? And notice the intention behind why you are are choosing to leave.
If the intention to leave is to get away from someone because they’re bothering you- then you may be running away. Stop making it about them and make it about you. Acknowledge this person as your teacher. There is something to learn here. Be grateful for how they activate your wounds and triggers, breathe deeply, feel deeply, process until the emotions have been transmuted into something else. Work with a healer if you need extra help. This is what it means to be AWAKE. When we can remain awake during these most challenging times is when we grow the most. An excellent exercise is to go through everyone in your life that bothers you and clear away these bothers using the burning method: writing everything down on a piece of paper until there’s nothing left to say and you feel neutral; and then burning the paper outside.
The best intention to have when leaving a relationship, environment, item, is because you are choosing to open up space for someone or something that is in alignment with your highest good. Do you want to grow or do you want to stay the same? Because complaining and judging will keep you stuck.
The archetypes of Victim and Creator are at play here. The Victim is the sad sensitive person that feels sorry for themselves and needs to hide away at home because everyone hurts them.
The Creator is the empowered HSP who chooses who they surround themselves with, and when triggered, uses it as an opportunity to self reflect, clear, and thus level up to an even better version of themselves. The Creator honours their intuition about situations, notices red flags, without judgement, but with confident discernment and chooses to make decisions that are in their highest interest. Because what is good for us, is good for all. Never enable the poor behaviour of others or this world will never change.
As an HSP you have a super power. It’s like x-ray vision into the intentions and motivations of others. The more you acknowledge red flags and act accordingly, the easier it gets to notice them and to trust yourself. Now, with every person I meet and situation I’m in, I go in paying attention and am honest with any red flags I pick up on, even if I’m not sure, I’m honest about how I’m feeling. Again, this doesn’t mean the person or situation is bad- it just means it’s not right for me right now. From this, I’m able to make a decision that is clear, honest, informed, and supports the cultivation of my most beautiful life.
After being with my partner, Matias for four years, we split when he got a new job and moved to California. It was the most painful decision of my life. With him, I always felt safe in the world. Now I felt I was left to fend for myself. I still always have his support, but it’s different now. I’m here in Toronto alone. He is currently visiting, a few months after our split, and I can see the difference of how I am with him and how I am without him. When I’m with him, I feel safe. I am able to let my guard down, open up completely, relax, laugh, have fun, be my authentic self. When he’s not here, I tense up. As a way to protect myself, I unintentionally, close my heart, build a wall between myself and everyone else. In the process I become numb, depressed and cold. I check out, disassociate because it’s hard to be in the world when you don’t feel safe. I am still functional but I don’t feel like myself. I am not able to take chances and put myself out there, nor am I able to easily connect with others until I know them well enough that I feel safe again.
Photo by: Laina Briedis
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